Your Style Under Stress Test

Your Style Under Stress Test

What kind of a self-monitor are you? One good way to increase your self-awareness is to explore your Style Under Stress. What do you do when talking turns tough? To find out, fill out the sur­ vey on the following pages. Or, for easier scoring, visit www.cru­ cia1conversations.comlsus. It’ll help you see what tactics you

typically revert to when caught in the midst of a crucial conver­ sation. It’ll also help you determine which parts of this book can be most helpful to you.

Instructions. The following questions explore how you typi­

cally respond when you’re in the middle of a crucial conversa­ tion. Before answering, pick a specific relationship at work or at home. Then answer the items while thinking about how you typ­ ically approach risky conversations in that relationship.

T F 1 . At times I avoid situations that might bring me into

contact with people I’m having problems with.

LEARN TO LOOK 57

T F 2. I have put off returning phone calls or emails because I simply didn’t want to deal with the person who sent them.

T F 3 . Sometimes when people bring up a touchy or awk- ward issue, I try to change the subject.

T F 4. When it comes to dealing with awkward or stress- ful subjects, sometimes I hold back rather than

give my full and candid opinion.

T F 5 . Rather than tell people exactly what I think, some- times I rely on jokes, sarcasm, or snide remarks to let them know I’m frustrated.

T F 6. When I’ve got something tough to bring up, some- times I offer weak or insincere compliments to soft- en the blow.

T F 7 . In order to get my point across, I sometimes exag-

gerate my side of the argument.

T F 8. If I seem to be losing control of a conversation, I might cut people off or change the subject in order to bring it back to where I think it should be.

T F 9. When others make points that seem stupid to me,

I sometimes let them know it without holding back at all.

T F 1 0. When I’m stunned by a comment, sometimes I say things that others might take as forceful or attack- ing-comments such as “Give me a break! ” or “That’s ridiculous ! ”

T F 1 1 . Sometimes when things get heated, I move from

arguing against others’ points to saying things that might hurt them personally.

58 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

T F 1 2 . If I get into a heated discussion, I’ve been known

to be tough on the other person. In fact, the person might feel a bit insulted or hurt.

T F 1 3. When I’m discussing an important topic with others, sometimes I move from trying to make my point to

trying to win the battle.

T F 1 4. In the middle of a tough conversation, I often get so caught up in arguments that I don’t see how I’m

coming across to others.

T F 1 5 . When talking gets tough and I do something hurt-

ful, I’m quick to apologize for mistakes.

T F 1 6. When I think about a conversation that took a bad tum, I tend to focus first on what I did that was wrong rather than focus on others’ mistakes.

T F 1 7 . When I’ve got something to say that others might

not want to hear, I avoid starting out with tough conclusions, and instead start with facts that help them understand where I’m coming from.

T F 1 8. I can tell very quickly when others are holding

back or feeling defensive in a conversation.

T F 1 9. Sometimes I decide that it’s better not to give harsh feedback because I know that it’s bound to cause

real problems.

T F 20. When conversations aren’t working, I step back

from the fray, think about what’s happening, and

take steps to make it better.

T F 2 1 . When others get defensive because they misunder- stand me, I quickly get us back on track by clarify- ing what I do and don’t mean.

LEARN TO LOOK 59

T F 22. There are some people I’m rough on because, to be honest, they need or deserve what I give them.

T F 23. I sometimes make absolute statements like “The fact is . . . ” or “It’s obvious that . . . ” to be sure I get my point across.

T F 24. If others hesitate to share their views, I sincerely

invite them to say what’s on their mind, no matter what it is.

T F 25. At times I argue hard for my view-hoping to keep others from bringing up opinions that would be a waste of energy to discuss.

T F 26. Even when things get tense, I adapt quickly to how others are responding to me and try a new strategy.

T F 27. When I find that I’m at cross-purposes with some- one, I often keep trying to win my way rather than looking for common ground.

T F 28. When things don’t go well, I’m more inclined to see the mistakes others made than notice my own

role.

T F 29. After I share strong opinions, I go out of my way to invite others to share their views, particularly

opposing ones.

T F 30. When others hesitate to share their views, I do whatever I can to make it safe for them to speak

honestly.

T F 3 1 . Sometimes I have to discuss things I thought had been settled because I don’t keep track of what was discussed before.

60 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

T F 32. I find myself in situations where people get their

feelings hurt because they thought they would have more of a say in final decisions than they end up having.

T F 33. I get frustrated sometimes at how long it takes

some groups to make decisions because too many people are involved.