+1 (208) 254-6996 [email protected]
  

• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what

Louis is doing?

Don't use plagiarized sources. Get Your Custom Essay on
• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what Louis is doing?
Just from $13/Page
Order Essay

“He really cares about producing good-quality work. Maybe

he doesn ‘t realize that I’m as committed to the success of the

project as he is. ”

• What do I really want?

“[ want a respectful relationship with Louis. And [ want

recognition for the work [ do. ”

• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

”I’d make an appointment to sit down with Louis and talk

about how we work together. ”

As we tell the rest of the story, we free ourselves from the poi­

soning effects of unhealthy emotions. Best of all, as we regain

control and move back to dialogue, we become masters of our

own emotions rather than hostages.

And what about Maria? What did she actually do? She sched­

uled a meeting with Louis. As she prepared for the meeting, she

refused to feed her ugly and incomplete stories, admitted her

own role in the problem, and entered the conversation with an

open mind. Perhaps Louis wasn’t trying to make her appear bad

or fill in for her incompetence.

As Maria sat down with Louis, she found a way to tentatively

share what she had observed. (We’ll look at exactly how to do

this in the next chapter.) Fortunately, not only did Maria master

her story, but she knew how to talk about it as well. While

engaging in healthy dialogue, Louis apologized for not includ­

ing her in meetings with the boss. He explained that he was try­

ing to give the boss a heads-up on some controversial parts of

 

 

MASTER MY STORIES 1 1 7

the presentation-and realized in retrospect that he shouldn’t

have done this without her. He also apologized for dominating

during the presentation. Maria learned from the conversation

that Louis tends to talk more when he gets nervous. He sug­

gested that they each be responsible for either the first or sec­

ond half of the presentation and stick to their assignments so he

would be less likely to crowd her out. The discussion ended

with both of them understanding the other’s perspective and

Louis promising to be more sensitive in the future.

SUMMARY- MASTER MY STORIES

If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence,

try this.

Retrace Your Path

Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from

dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing.

• Am I in some form of silence or violence?

Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify

the emotions behind your story.

• What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?

Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for

other possible explanations behind your story.

• What story is creating these emotions?

Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by dis­

t inguishing between hard facts and your invented story.

• What evidence do I have to support this story?

 

 

1 1 8 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories

sit at the top of the list.

Tell the Rest of the Story

Ask:

• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?

• What do I really want?

• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

 

 

7

Outspoken by whom? -DOROTHY PARKBR

WHEN TOLD THAT SHE WAS WRY OUTSPOKEN

STATE My Path How to Speak Persuasivel}/t

Not Abrasively

So far we’ve gone to great pains to prepare ourselves for crucial

conversations. Here’s what we’ve learned. Our hearts need to be

in the right place. We need to pay close attention to crucial

conversations-particularly when people start feeling unsafe.

And heaven forbid that we should tell ourselves clever and

unhelpful stories.

So let’s say that we are well prepared. We’re ready to open our

mouths and start sharing our pool of meaning. That’s right,

we’re actually going to talk. Now what?

Most of the time we walk into a discussion and slide into

autopilot. “Hi, how are the kids? What’s going on at work?”

What could be easier than talking? We know thousands of words

 

 

1 20 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

and generally weave them into conversations that suit our needs.

Most of the time.

However, when stakes rise and our emotions kick in, well,

that’s when we open our mouths and don’t do so well. In fact, as

we suggested earlier, the more important the discussion, the less

likely we are to be on our best behavior. More specifically, we

advocate or express our views quite poorly.

To help us improve our advocacy skills, we’ll examine two

challenging situations. First, we’ll look at five skills for talking

when what we have to say could easily make others defensive.

Second, we’ll explore how these same skills help us state our

opinions when we believe so strongly in something that we risk

shutting others down rather than opening them up to our ideas.

Order your essay today and save 10% with the discount code ESSAYHELP