• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what
Louis is doing?
“He really cares about producing good-quality work. Maybe
he doesn ‘t realize that I’m as committed to the success of the
project as he is. ”
• What do I really want?
“[ want a respectful relationship with Louis. And [ want
recognition for the work [ do. ”
• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
”I’d make an appointment to sit down with Louis and talk
about how we work together. ”
As we tell the rest of the story, we free ourselves from the poi
soning effects of unhealthy emotions. Best of all, as we regain
control and move back to dialogue, we become masters of our
own emotions rather than hostages.
And what about Maria? What did she actually do? She sched
uled a meeting with Louis. As she prepared for the meeting, she
refused to feed her ugly and incomplete stories, admitted her
own role in the problem, and entered the conversation with an
open mind. Perhaps Louis wasn’t trying to make her appear bad
or fill in for her incompetence.
As Maria sat down with Louis, she found a way to tentatively
share what she had observed. (We’ll look at exactly how to do
this in the next chapter.) Fortunately, not only did Maria master
her story, but she knew how to talk about it as well. While
engaging in healthy dialogue, Louis apologized for not includ
ing her in meetings with the boss. He explained that he was try
ing to give the boss a heads-up on some controversial parts of
MASTER MY STORIES 1 1 7
the presentation-and realized in retrospect that he shouldn’t
have done this without her. He also apologized for dominating
during the presentation. Maria learned from the conversation
that Louis tends to talk more when he gets nervous. He sug
gested that they each be responsible for either the first or sec
ond half of the presentation and stick to their assignments so he
would be less likely to crowd her out. The discussion ended
with both of them understanding the other’s perspective and
Louis promising to be more sensitive in the future.
SUMMARY- MASTER MY STORIES
If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence,
try this.
Retrace Your Path
Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from
dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing.
• Am I in some form of silence or violence?
Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify
the emotions behind your story.
• What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for
other possible explanations behind your story.
• What story is creating these emotions?
Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by dis
t inguishing between hard facts and your invented story.
• What evidence do I have to support this story?
1 1 8 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories
sit at the top of the list.
Tell the Rest of the Story
Ask:
• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
• What do I really want?
• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
7
Outspoken by whom? -DOROTHY PARKBR
WHEN TOLD THAT SHE WAS WRY OUTSPOKEN
STATE My Path How to Speak Persuasivel}/t
Not Abrasively
So far we’ve gone to great pains to prepare ourselves for crucial
conversations. Here’s what we’ve learned. Our hearts need to be
in the right place. We need to pay close attention to crucial
conversations-particularly when people start feeling unsafe.
And heaven forbid that we should tell ourselves clever and
unhelpful stories.
So let’s say that we are well prepared. We’re ready to open our
mouths and start sharing our pool of meaning. That’s right,
we’re actually going to talk. Now what?
Most of the time we walk into a discussion and slide into
autopilot. “Hi, how are the kids? What’s going on at work?”
What could be easier than talking? We know thousands of words
1 20 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
and generally weave them into conversations that suit our needs.
Most of the time.
However, when stakes rise and our emotions kick in, well,
that’s when we open our mouths and don’t do so well. In fact, as
we suggested earlier, the more important the discussion, the less
likely we are to be on our best behavior. More specifically, we
advocate or express our views quite poorly.
To help us improve our advocacy skills, we’ll examine two
challenging situations. First, we’ll look at five skills for talking
when what we have to say could easily make others defensive.
Second, we’ll explore how these same skills help us state our
opinions when we believe so strongly in something that we risk
shutting others down rather than opening them up to our ideas.
