TOUCHY AND PERSONAL
IlYEAH, BUT…
WHAT IF SOMEONE has a hygiene problem? Or maybe
someone’s boring and people avoid him or her. How
could you ever talk about something personal and
sensitive like that?”
The Danger Point
Most people avoid sensitive issues like the plague. Who can blame
them? Unfortunately, when fear and misapplied compassion rule
over honesty and courage, people can go for years without being
given information that could be extremely helpful.
When people do speak up, they often leap from silence to vio
lence. Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in
vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful. Also, the
YEAH, BUT 2 1 1
longer you go without saying anything, the greater the pain when
you finally deliver the message.
The Solution
Use Contrasting. Explain that you don’t want to hurt the person’s
feelings, but you do want to share something that could be help
ful. Establish Mutual Purpose. Let the other person know your
intentions are honorable. Also explain that you’re reluctant to
bring up the issue because of its personal nature, but since the
problem is interfering with the person’s effectiveness, you really
must. Tentatively describe the problem. Don’t play it up or pile
it on. Describe the specific behaviors and then move to solu
tions. Although these discussions are never easy, they certainly
don’t have to be offensive or insulting.
WORD GAMES
‘IYEAH, BUT. ..
MY CHILDREN are constantly playing word games. If I
try to tell them that they shouldn’t have done some
thing, they say I never told them exactly that. They’re
starting to get on my nerves. ”
The Danger Point
Sometimes parents (and leaders) are tricked into accepting poor
performance by silver-tongued individuals who are infinitely
creative in coming up with new ways to explain why they didn’t
know any better. Not only do these inventive people have the
ability to conjure up creative excuses, but they also have the
energy and will to do so incessantly. Eventually they wear you
down. As a result, they get away with doing less or doing it
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poorly, while hard-working, energetic family members (or employ
ees) end up carrying an unfair share of the load.
The Solution
This is another case of pattern over instance. Tentatively STATE
the pattern of splitting hairs and playing word games. Let them
know they aren’t fooling anyone. In this case, don’t focus exclu
sively on actions, because creative people can always find new
inappropriate actions. “You didn’t say I couldn’t call her ‘stu
pid.”’ Talk about both behaviors and outcomes. “You’re hurting
your sister’s feelings when you call her stupid. Please don’t do
that, or anything else that might hurt her feelings.”
Use previous behavior as an example, and then hold them
accountable to results. Don’t get pulled into discussing any one
instance. Stick with the pattern.
NO WARNING
u YEA H, BUT…
I’VE GOT A LOT OF GOOD people working for me, but
they’re too full of surprises. When they run into prob
lems, I only find out after it’s too late. They always
have a good excuse, so what should I do?”
The Danger Point
Leaders who are constantly being surprised allow it to happen.
The first time an employee says, “Sorry, but I ran into a prob
lem,” the leaders miss the point. They listen to the problem,
work on it, and then move on to a new topic. In so doing, they
are saying: “It’s okay to surprise me. If you have a legitimate
excuse, stop what you’re doing, tum your efforts to something
else, and then wait until I show up to spring the news.”
YEAH. BUT 2 1 3
The Solution
