Too soft : “It’s probably my fault, but . . . ”
Too hard: “You wouldn’t trust your own mother to make a one
minute egg!”
Just right: “I’m starting to feel like you don’t trust me. Is that
what’s going on here? If so, I’d like to know what I did to
lose your trust.”
Too soft : “Maybe I’m just oversexed or something, but . . . ”
Too hard: “If you don’t find a way to pick up the frequency, I’m
walking.”
lust right : “I don’t think you’re intending this, but I’m beginning
to feci rejected.”
1 34 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
fncou rage Testing
When you ask others to share their paths, how you phrase your
invitation makes a big difference. Not only should you invite
others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear
that no matter how controversial their ideas are, you want to
hear them. Others need to feel safe sharing their observations
and stories-even if they differ. Otherwise, they don’t speak up
and you can’t test the accuracy and relevance of your views.
This becomes particularly important when you’re having a
crucial conversation with people who might move to silence.
Some people make Sucker’s Choices in these circumstances.
They worry that if they share their true opinions, others will clam
up. So they choose between speaking their minds and hearing
others out. But the best at dialogue don’t choose. They do both.
They understand that the only limit to how strongly you can
express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous
in encouraging others to challenge it.
Invite opposing views. So if you think others may be hesitant,
make it clear that you want to hear their views-no matter their
opinion. If they disagree, so much the better. If what they have
to say is controversial or even touchy, respect them for finding
the courage to express what they’re thinking. If they have differ
ent facts or stories, you need to hear them to help complete the
picture. Make sure they have the opportunity to share by active
ly inviting them to do so: “Does anyone see it differently?”
“What am I missing here?” “I’d really like to hear the other side
of this story.”
Mean it. Sometimes people offer an invitation that sounds
more like a threat than a legitimate call for opinions. “Well,
that’s how I see it. Nobody disagrees, do they?” Invite people
with both words and tone that say “I really want to hear from
you.” For instance: “I know people have been reluctant to speak
up about this, but I would really love to hear from everyone.”
STATE MY PATH 1 35
Or: “I know there are at least two sides to this story. Could we
hear differing views now? What problems could this decision
cause us?”
Play devil’s advocate. Occasionally you can tell that others are
not buying into your facts or story, but they’re not speaking up
either. You’ve sincerely invited them, even encouraged differing
views, but nobody says anything. To help grease the skids, play
devil’s advocate. Model disagreeing by disagreeing with your
own view. “Maybe I’m wrong here. What if the opposite is true?
What if the reason sales have dropped is because . . . ”
