To break from this insidious cycle, Learn to Look.
• Learn to look at content and conditions.
• Look for when things become crucial.
• Learn to watch for safety problems.
• Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence.
• Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress.
5
They had ltved together {or so many years that
they mistook their arguments for conversation.
-MARJOlUli KEllOGG
Make It Safe How to Make It Safe to Talk
about Almost Anything
The last chapter contained a promise: If you spot safety risks as they happen, you can step out of the conversation, build safety,
and then find a way to dialogue about almost anything. In this chapter we’ll fulfill that promise by teaching what it takes to restore safety.
To get started, let’s examine a situation where safety is at risk. We’ll eavesdrop on a couple as they try to discuss one of the most delicate of topics-physical intimacy.
First a little background. Jotham thinks he and Yvonne are inti mate with each other far too seldom. Yvonne is satisfied with their physical relationship. For years the two have acted out rather than talked out their concerns. When Jotham wants to be amorous and
66 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
Yvonne doesn’t respond, he goes to silence. He pouts, says almost nothing, and avoids Yvonne for the next few days.
Yvonne knows what’s going on with Jotham. Occasionally she’ll go along with him even when she’s not feeling particularly romantic. She does this in hopes of avoiding Jotham’s pouting.
Unfortunately, she then feels resentful toward Jotham, and it’s much longer before she feels genuinely romantic toward him.
So here’s the game. The more Jotham insists and pouts, the less
attractive and interesting he is to Yvonne. The more Yvonne suc cumbs and then resents, the less she’s interested in the entire rela tionship. The more both of them act out rather than talk out this crucial conversation, the more likely they are to end up going their separate ways. Yvonne has decided to broach the subject with Jotham. Rather than waiting until they’re both upset, she’s picked a time when they’re relaxing on the couch. Here goes.
YVONNE: Jotham, can we talk about what happened last
night-you know, when I told you that I was tired?
JOTHAM: I don’t know if I’m in the mood.
YVONNE: What’s that supposed to mean?
JOTHAM: I’m sick and tired of you deciding when we do what !
YVONNE: (walks out)
STEP OUT. MAKE IT SAFE. THEN STEP BACK IN
Okay, let’s look at Yvonne. She tried to tackle a tough topic.
Good for her. She was already uncomfortable and her partner took a cheap shot at her. Some help he was. Now what should she do? How can she get back to honest and healthy dialogue?
What do you do when you don’t feel like it’s safe to share what’s on your mind?
MAKE IT SAFE 67
The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. Don’t
stay stuck in what’s being said. Yvonne exited because she was
focused on what Jotham was saying. If she had been looking at
Jotham’s behavior, she would have spotted his use of sarcasm
a form of masking. Rather than talking out his concern, he’s tak
ing a potshot. Why would he do that? Because he doesn ‘t feel
safe using dialogue. But Yvonne missed this point. Now, we’re not suggesting that Jotham’s behavior is acceptable,
or that Yvonne should put up with it. But first things first-Start
with Heart. The first question is: “What do I really want?”
If you really want to have a healthy conversation about a topic
that will make or break your relationship, then for a moment or
two you may have to set aside confronting the current issue
i.e., Jotham’s sarcasm.
Yvonne’s challenge here is to build safety-enough so that she
can talk about their physical relationship, about the way Jotham
is dealing with it, or about any other concerns. But if she doesn’t
make it safe, all she’s going to get is a continuation of the silence and violence games.
So, what should she do?
In these circumstances, the worst at dialogue do what both
Jotham and Yvonne did. Like Jotham, they totally ignore the cry ing need for more safety. They say whatever is on their minds
with no regard for how it will be received. Or like Yvonne, they
conclude the topic is completely unsafe and move to silence.
The good realize that safety is at risk, but they fix it in exactly
the wrong way. They try to make the subject more palatable by
sugarcoating their message. “Oh, honey, I really want to be with
you but I’m under a lot of pressure at work, and the stress makes
i t hard for me to enjoy our time together. ” They try to make
th ings safer by watering down their content. This strategy, of
l:ourse, avoids the real problem, and it never gets fixed.
68 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
The best don’t play games. They know that dialogue is the free flow of meaning-with no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking. So they do something completely different. They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in.
Once you’ve spotted safety problems, you can talk about the
most challenging of topics by stepping out of the content and
building enough safety that almost anything becomes discussable.
For example: “Can we change gears for a minute? I’d like to talk
about what happens when we’re not romantically in sync. It would
be good if we could both share what’s working and what isn’t. My
goal isn’t to make you feel guilty, and I certainly don’t want to
become defensive. What I’d really love is for us to come up with a
solution that makes us both satisfied in our relationship.”
NOTICE WHICH CONDITION IS AT RISK
Now, let’s look at a couple of pieces that help us establish safety
even when the topic is high risk, controversial, and emotional. The
first step to building more safety is to understand which of the two
conditions of safety is at risk. Each requires a different solution.
Mutual Purpose
