The Solution
This is generally a problem of not knowing how to STATE
your path. When something bothers you, catch it early.
Contrasting can also help. “I’m not trying to blow this out of
proportion. I just want to deal with it before it gets out of
hand.” Describe the specific behaviors you’ve observed.
“When Jimmy leaves his room a mess, you use sarcasm to get
his attention. You call him a ‘pig’ and then laugh as if you
didn’t mean it.” Tentatively explain the consequences . “I don’t
think it’s having the effect you want. He doesn’t pick up on the
hint, and I’m afraid that he’s starting to resent you” (Your
story) . Encourage testing: “Do you see it differently?”
Finally, Learn to Look for signs that safety is at risk, and Make
It Safe. When you STATE things well and others become defen
sive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss.
Think harder about your approach. Step out of the content, do
what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try
again to candidly STATE your view.
When spouses stop giving each other helpful feedback, they
lose out on the help of a lifelong confidant and coach. They miss
out on hundreds of opportunities to help each other communicate
more effectively.
YEAH, BUT 1 97
FAilURE TO LIVE UP TO AGREEMENTS
nYEAH, BUT…
MY TEAMMATES ARE hypocrites. We get together and
talk about all the ways we could improve, but then
people don’t do what they agreed to. ”
The Danger Point
The worst teams walk away from problems like these. In good
teams, the boss eventually deals with problem behavior. In the
best teams, every team member is part of the system of account
ability. If team members see others violate a team agreement,
they speak up immediately and directly. It’s dangerous to wait for
or expect the boss to do what good teammates should do them
selves.
The Solution
If your teammate isn’t doing what you think he or she should, it’s
up to you to speak up.
We realized this after watching a group of executives that
agreed they’d hold off on all discretionary spending to help free
up cash for a short-term crunch. This strategy sounded good in
the warm glow of an off-site meeting, but the very next day a
team member rushed back and prepaid a vendor for six months
of consulting work-work that appeared to be “discretionary.”
A team member who saw the executive prepare for and then
make the prepayment didn’t realize this was the crucial conver
sation that would determine whether the team would pull
together or fall apart on this issue. Instead, he decided it was up
to the boss to hold this person accountable. He said nothing. By
the time the boss found out about the transaction and addressed
the i ssue. the policy had already been violated and the money
1 98 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
spent. Motivation to support the new plan dissipated, and the
team ran short of cash.
When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new
initiatives, they need to be prepared to address the problem
when a team member doesn’t live up to the agreement. Success
does not depend on perfect compliance with new expectations,
but on teammates who hold crucial conversations with one
another when others appear to be reverting to old patterns.
DEFERENCE TO AUTHORITY
PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR ME FILTER WHAT they say by
guessing what they think I’m willing to hear. They take “YEAH, BUT . . .
little initiative in solving important problems because
they’re afraid 1’1/ disagree with them. ”
The Danger Point
When leaders face deference-or what feels like kissing up
they typically make one of two mistakes. Either they misdiagnose
the cause (fear), or they try to banish deference with a brash
command.
