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T F 33. I get frustrated sometimes at how long it takes

some groups to make decisions because too many people are involved.

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Style U nder Stress Score

Please fill out the score sheets in Figures 4-1 and 4-2. Each

domain contains two to three questions. Next to the question

number is either a (T) or an (F) . For example, under “Masking,”

question 5 on Figure 4- 1 , you’ll find a (T) . This means that if you

answered it true, check the box. With question 1 3 on Figure 4-2,

on the other hand, you’ll find an (F) . Only check that box if you answered the question false-and so on.

Your Style Under Stress score (Figure 4- 1 ) will show you

which forms of silence or violence you turn to most often. Your

Dialogue Skills score (Figure 4-2) is organized by concept and

chapter so you can decide which chapters may benefit you the


What You r Score Means

Your silence and violence scores give you a measure of how fre­

quently you fall into these less-than-perfect strategies. It’s actu­ ally possible to score high in both. A high score (one or two checked boxes per domain) means you use this technique fairly

often. It also means you’re human. Most people toggle between holding back and becoming too forceful.

The seven domains in Figure 4-2 reflect your skills in each of

the corresponding seven skill chapters. If you score high (two or




S i l e n ce D V i o l e n ce D

Masking Controll ing

o 5 (T) o 7 (T)

o 6 (T) o 8 (T)

Avoiding Labeling

o 3 (T) o 9 (T)

o 4 (T) o 1 0 (T)

Withdrawing Attacking

o 1 (T) o 1 1 (T)

o 2 (T) o 1 2 (T)

Figure 4- 1 . Score Sheet for Style Under Stress Assessment

three boxes) in one of these domains, you’re already quite skilled

in this area. If you score low (zero or one), you may want to pay special attention to these chapters.

Since these scores represent how you typically behave during stressful or crucial conversations, they can change. Your score doesn’t represent an inalterable character trait or a genetic

propensity. It’s merely a measure of your behavior-and you can change that. In fact, people who take this book seriously will

practice the skills contained in each chapter and eventually they wil l change. And when they do, so will their lives.

What next? Now that you’ve identified your own Style Under Stress. you have a tool that can help you Learn to Look. That is, as you enter a touchy conversation, you can make a special effort




Ch 3: Start with Heart Ch 7: STATE My Path

o 1 3 (F) D o 1 7 (T) D o 1 9 (F) o 23 (F)

o 25 (F) o 29 (T)

Ch 4: Learn to Look Ch 8: Explore Others’

o 1 4 (F) D Paths D o 1 8 (T) o 20 (T)

o 24 (T) o 26 (T) o 30 (T)

Ch 5: Make It Safe Ch 9: Move to Action

o 1 5 (T) D o 31 (F) D o 21 (T) o 32 (F)

o 27 (F) o 33 (F)

Ch 6: Master My

D Stories

o 1 6 (T)

o 22 (F)

o 28 (F)

Figure 4-2. Score Sheet for Dialogue Skills Assessment

to avoid some of your silence or violence habits. Also, when you’re in the middle of a crucial conversation, you can be more conscious of what to watch for.


When caught up in a crucial conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and why. When a discussion starts to become stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. We tum to the less healthy components of our Style Under Stress.




learn to look

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