STATE MY PATH
I f Carole’s goal is to have a healthy conversation about a tough
top ic (e.g. , I think you ‘re having an affair), her only hope is to
1 24 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
stay in dialogue. That holds true for anybody with any crucial
conversation (i.e., It feels like you micromanage me; I fear you’re
using drugs). That means that despite your worst suspicions, you
shouldn’t violate respect. In a similar vein, you shouldn’t kill
safety with threats and accusations.
So what should you do? Start with Heart. Think about what you
really want and how dialogue can help you get it. And master your
story-realize that you may be jumping to a hasty Victim, Villain,
or Helpless Story. The best way to fmd out the true story is not to
act out the worst story you can generate. That will lead to self
destructive silence and violence games. Think about other possible
explanations long enough to temper your emotions so you can get
to dialogue. Besides, if it turns out you’re right about your initial
impression, there will be plenty of time for confrontations later on.
Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions
for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that can
help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools
can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for:
• Share your facts
• Tell your story
• Ask for others’ paths
• Talk tentatively
• E.ncourage testing
The first three skills describe what to do. The last two tell how
to do it.
The “What” Ski lls
,Share Your Facts
In the last chapter we suggested that if you retrace your Path to
Action to the source, you eventual ly arrive at the (“acts. For
STATE MY PATH 1 2 5
example, Carole found the credit card invoice. That’s a fact. She
then told a story-Bob’s having an affair. Next, she felt betrayed
and horrified. Finally, she attacked Bob-“I should never have
married you! ” The whole interaction was fast, predictable, and
very ugly.
What if Carole took a different route-one that started with
facts? What if she were able to suspend the ugly story she told her
self (perhaps think of an alternative story) and then start her con
versation with the facts? Wouldn’t that be a safer way to go?
“Maybe,” she muses, “there is a good reason behind all of this.
Why don’t I start with the suspicious bill and then go from there?”
If she started there, she’d be right. The best way to share your
view is to follow your Path to Action from beginning to end
the same way you traveled it (Figure 7-1 ) . Unfortunately, when
we’re drunk on adrenaline, our tendency is to do precisely the
opposite. Since we’re obsessing on our emotions and stories,
that’s what we start with. Of course, this is the most controver
sial, least influential, and most insulting way we could begin.
To make matters worse, this strategy creates still another self
fulfilling prophecy. We’re so anxious to blurt out our ugly stories
See! Tell a Feel Hear –… Story –…
Figure 7-1 . The Path to Action
1 26 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
that we say things in extremely ineffective ways. Then, when
we get bad results (and we are going to get bad results), we tell
ourselves that we just can’t share risky views without creating
problems. So the next time we’ve got something sticky to say,
we’re even more reluctant to say it. We hold it inside where the
story builds up steam, and when we do eventually share our
horrific story, we do so with a vengeance. The cycle starts all
over again.
