MY CHILDREN are constantly playing word games. If I
try to tell them that they shouldn’t have done some
thing, they say I never told them exactly that. They’re
starting to get on my nerves. ”
The Danger Point
Sometimes parents (and leaders) are tricked into accepting poor
performance by silver-tongued individuals who are infinitely
creative in coming up with new ways to explain why they didn’t
know any better. Not only do these inventive people have the
ability to conjure up creative excuses, but they also have the
energy and will to do so incessantly. Eventually they wear you
down. As a result, they get away with doing less or doing it
2 1 2 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
poorly, while hard-working, energetic family members (or employ
ees) end up carrying an unfair share of the load.
The Solution
This is another case of pattern over instance. Tentatively STATE
the pattern of splitting hairs and playing word games. Let them
know they aren’t fooling anyone. In this case, don’t focus exclu
sively on actions, because creative people can always find new
inappropriate actions. “You didn’t say I couldn’t call her ‘stu
pid.”’ Talk about both behaviors and outcomes. “You’re hurting
your sister’s feelings when you call her stupid. Please don’t do
that, or anything else that might hurt her feelings.”
Use previous behavior as an example, and then hold them
accountable to results. Don’t get pulled into discussing any one
instance. Stick with the pattern.
NO WARNING
u YEA H, BUT…
I’VE GOT A LOT OF GOOD people working for me, but
they’re too full of surprises. When they run into prob
lems, I only find out after it’s too late. They always
have a good excuse, so what should I do?”
The Danger Point
Leaders who are constantly being surprised allow it to happen.
The first time an employee says, “Sorry, but I ran into a prob
lem,” the leaders miss the point. They listen to the problem,
work on it, and then move on to a new topic. In so doing, they
are saying: “It’s okay to surprise me. If you have a legitimate
excuse, stop what you’re doing, tum your efforts to something
else, and then wait until I show up to spring the news.”
YEAH. BUT 2 1 3
The Solution
Make it perfectly clear that once you’ve given an assignment,
there are only two acceptable paths. Employees need to complete
the assignment as planned, or if they run into a problem, they
need to immediately inform you. No surprises. Similarly, if they
decide that another job needs to be done instead, they call you.
No surprises.
Clarify the “no surprises” rule. The first time someone comes
back with a legitimate excuse-but he or she didn’t tell you
when the problem first came up-deal with this as the new prob
lem. “We agreed that you’d let me know immediately. I didn’t get
a call. What happened?”
DEALING WITH SOMEONE WHO BREAKS ALL THE RULES
“YEAH/ BUT. ..
WHAT IF THE PERSON you’re dealing with violates all of
the dialogue principles most of the time-especially
during crucial conversations. ”
The Danger Point
When you look at a continuum of dialogue skills, most of us (by
definition) fall in the middle. Sometimes we’re on and some
times we’re off. Some of us are good at avoiding Sucker’s
Choices; others are good at making it safe. Of course, you have
the extremes as well. You have people who are veritable conver
sational geniuses. And now you’re saying that you work with
(maybe live with) someone who is the complete opposite. He or
she rarely uses any skills. What’s a person to do?
The danger, of course, is that the other person isn’t as bad as
you think-you bring out the worst in him or her-or that he or
she really is that bad . and you try to address all the problems at
once.
