In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less
about others’ intent and more about the effect others’ actions are
having on us. No longer are we in the game of rooting out
unhealthy motives. And here’s the good news. When we reflect
on alternative motives, not only do we soften our emotions, but
equally important, we relax our absolute certainty long enough
to allow for dialogue-the only reliable way of discovering oth
ers’ genuine motives.
Turn the helpless into the able. Finally, when you catch your
self bemoaning your own helplessness, you can tell the complete
story by returning to your original motive. To do so, stop and ask:
• What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relation
ship?
Then, kill the Sucker’s Choice that’s made you feel helpless to
choose anything other than silence or violence. Do this by asking:
• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
MASTER MY STORI ES 1 1 5
For example, you now find yourself insulting your coworker
for not pitching in with a tough job. Your coworker seems sur
prised at your strong and “out of the blue” reaction. In fact, she’s
staring at you as if you’ve slipped a cog. You, of course, have told
yourself that she is purposefully avoiding noxious tasks, and that
despite your helpful hints, she has made no changes.
“I have to get brutal,” you tell yourself. “I don’t like it, but if
1 don’t offend her, I’ll be stuck doing the grunt work forever.”
You’ve strayed from what you really want-to share work
equally and to have a good relationship. You’ve given up on half
of your goals by making a Sucker’s Choice. “Oh well, better to
offend her than to be made a fool.”
What should you be doing instead? Openly, honestly, and
effectively discussing the problem-not taking potshots and
then justifying yourself. When you refuse to make yourself help
less, you’re forced to hold yourself accountable for using your
dialogue skills rather than bemoaning your weakness.
MARIA’S NEW STORY
To see how this all fits together, let’s circle back to Maria. Let’s
assume she’s retraced her Path to Action and separated the facts
from the stories. Doing this has helped her realize that the story
she told was incomplete, defensive, and hurtful. When she
watched for the Three Clever Stories, she saw them with painful
clarity. Now she’s ready to tell the rest of the story. So she asks
herself:
• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
“When I found out that Louis was holding project meetings
without me, I felt like I should ask him about why I wasn ‘t
included. I believed that if I did, I could open a dialogue that
would help us work better together. But then I didn ‘t, and as
1 1 6 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
my resentment grew, [ was even less interested in broaching
the subject. ”
• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what
Louis is doing?
“He really cares about producing good-quality work. Maybe
he doesn ‘t realize that I’m as committed to the success of the
project as he is. ”
• What do I really want?
“[ want a respectful relationship with Louis. And [ want
recognition for the work [ do. ”
• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
”I’d make an appointment to sit down with Louis and talk
about how we work together. ”
As we tell the rest of the story, we free ourselves from the poi
soning effects of unhealthy emotions. Best of all, as we regain
control and move back to dialogue, we become masters of our
own emotions rather than hostages.
And what about Maria? What did she actually do? She sched
uled a meeting with Louis. As she prepared for the meeting, she
refused to feed her ugly and incomplete stories, admitted her
own role in the problem, and entered the conversation with an
open mind. Perhaps Louis wasn’t trying to make her appear bad
or fill in for her incompetence.
As Maria sat down with Louis, she found a way to tentatively
share what she had observed. (We’ll look at exactly how to do
this in the next chapter.) Fortunately, not only did Maria master
her story, but she knew how to talk about it as well. While
engaging in healthy dialogue, Louis apologized for not includ
ing her in meetings with the boss. He explained that he was try
ing to give the boss a heads-up on some controversial parts of
MASTER MY STORIES 1 1 7
