1 . Hermann Simon, Hidden Champions: Lessons from 500 of the World’s
Best Unknown Companies (Boston: Harvard Business School Press,
1 996), 1 95.
2. Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman, We Can Work It Out: Making
Sense of Marital Conflict (New York: G.P. Putnam’s Sons, 1 993), 20-22,
37-38 .
3. Allen Beck et ai., Survey of State Prison Inmates, 1991 (Washington,
DC: U.S. Department of Justice, 1 993), 3-5, 6, 1 1 , 1 3, 1 6.
4. Dean amish, Love and Survival: The Healing Power of Intimacy (New
York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1 998), 63.
5. amish, Love and Survival: The Healing Power of Intimacy, 54-56.
CHAPTER 2:
1 . Olivia Barker, “4 Studies Aim to Reduce, Resolve Medical Mistakes,”
USA Today, Dec. 8, 1 999.
CHAPTER 6
1 . The Arbinger Institute, Leadership and Selfdeception: Getting out of the
Box (San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler, June 2000), 72-74.
CHAPTER 1 2
1 . Sydnor B . Penick, R . Filion, S. Ross Fox, Albert Stunkard, “Behavior
Modification in the treatment of Obesity,” Psychosomatic Medicine 33
( 1 97 1 ) : 49-55.
2. Elliot Aronson, The Social Animal (New York: W.H. Freeman & Co.,
1 984), 25.
3 . Yuichi Shoda, Walter Mischel, and Philip K. Peake, “Predicting adoles
cent cognitive and self-regulatory competencies from preschool delay of
gratification ,” Developmental Psychology 26 ( 1 990): 978-86.
Index
Action, moving to: decisions leading to, 1 61-1 78, 1 85,
1 88, 1 92 lack of initiative, 204-205 (See also Path to Action)
Adrenaline, 4, 35 Agreements:
failure to keep, 1 97-198 resolving differences, 82-88,
1 56-1 58, 188 Allen, Woody, 27 Anger, 206-207, 209-2 1 0 Apologies:
contrasting, 79 exploring others’ paths, 1 55 regrettable statements, 2 1 0 restoring safety, 76, 92
Archimedes, 1 7 Arguments, 1 2-13, 65, 1 56-158, 1 88 Asking others’ opinions, 1 3 1 , 141-159,
1 85, 1 87, 1 90 Assignments, follow up, 176-178, 1 85,
1 88, 1 92, 204–205 Attacking, 54, 61, 1 82-1 85 Audio dialogue learning tools, 227 Authority:
decision making, 1 63-1 64 overly deferential persons, 198-200
A voidance behavior: dialogue model, 182-185 difficult situation, 20 1-202 silence strategy, 2-3, 37, 52, 6 1
Behavior: nggrcssiVl’, 50- ‘j I uVoiduI1l’l’, 2 i, n, ‘1.1, h i , 10 1 .1()2
Behavior (Cont, ) : controlling, 53, 61 dialogue model, 1 82-185 harassment, 1 94-195 insubordination, 208-209 mirroring, 149-150 motives, denoting, 42 observing, 48-49, 67-68, 105 overly sensitive persons, 1 96 path to, 95, 1 02-1 1 2, 1 17 patterns, 204-206, 207-208, 2 11-2 1 2 self-defeating strategies, 6-7 self-monitoring, 55-63
Blame, 29 Body language:
mirroring, 1 49-1 50 Mutual Respect, 71-72
Building on agreement, 1 57-158, 1 88 Butler, Samuel, 23
Career improvement, 9-10 Carnegie, Dale, 221 Choices:
clarifying, 40-43 command decisions, 1 68-1 69 consensus decisions, 171-173 distasteful, 37-4 1 , 1 08-109,
1 1 4-1 1 5, 1 20-121 , 1 22 important, 27 learning tools for, 1 84, 1 86 voting decisions, 170-171
Churchill, Winston, 2 15 City Slickers (film), 20 Command decisions, 165, 168-1 69, 178 Commitment:
JcciHion making, 1 67
232 INDEX
Commitment (Cont. ) : Mutual Purpose, 83-84, 87, 92 public, 224
Communities, 1 3- 1 4 Comparisons i n disagreements, 1 58, 1 88 Conditions of conversations, 45-63 Confidence, 1 2 1 , 1 29 Consensus, 1 66, 171-173, 1 78 Consultation, 165-166, 1 69-1 70, 1 78 Content of conversations:
about, 46, 66-68, 88, 1 83 overly sensitive persons, 1 96
Context of conversations, 79-80 Contrasting for misinterpretation:
overly sensitive persons, 1 96 personal observations, 2 1 1 safety, 76-82, 88, 89, 92, 130-131
Control, limits on, 29-30, 42 Controlling behavior, 53, 6 1 , 1 82-1 85 Conversations (See specific topics) Cooperation, 1 67 Crime, 1 4 Cues for dialogue skills, 226 Curiosity, 1 43-145, 1 59
Decisions: acting upon, 1 74-1 78, 1 85, 1 88 making, 1 62-1 74, 1 85, 1 88
Defensiveness, 1 96 Devil’s advocate, playing, 135, 1 99-200 Dialogue skills:
about, 20-26 consultation decisions, 1 69-1 70 improving one’s own, 27-43 lack of, 2 1 3-2 1 4 learning tools, 1 79-1 92, 21 5-228
Difficult situations, 1 93-2 1 4 Disagreements, resolving, 82-88,
1 56-1 58, 1 88 Diseases, life-threatening, 1 5- 1 6 Documenting work, 1 77, 1 78, 1 88, 1 92
Emotions: crucial conversations, 2, 4, 48-49 learning dialogue skills, 2 1 7, 220 mastering, 93-1 18 Mutual Respect, 71-72 retracing path, 102, 1 1 7, 1 84 safety problems, 49-51 strong beliefs, 1 36-140
Empathy, 72-74, 142-156 Excuses, 207-208, 2 11-2 1 2 Expectations:
failing to keep agreements, 1 98 lack of initiative, 204-205 putting decisions into action,
1 75-1 76, 178
Facts: interpretations, 1 05, 1 1 7, 203 resolving differences, 1 56-1 58 retracing Path to Action, 102 sharing, 1 24-135, 1 40, 1 87 useful stories, 1 1 2-1 1 5
Fear (See Safety) Follow up to assignments, 1 76-1 78,
1 85, 1 88, 1 92, 204-205 Fuller, Thomas, 1 93
Glaser, Ronald, 1 5 Goals:
determining, 27-43, 1 84, 1 86, 1 89 learning dialogue skills, 223-226
Groundhog Day (film), 205
Harassment, 1 94-1 95 Health, personal, 1 5- 1 6 HeltJless Stories, 108-109, 1 1 4-1 1 5,
1 1 8 Honesty:
motives, 30-33 observations, 2 1 0-2 1 1 (See also Sucker’s Choices)
How to Win Friends and Influence People (Carnegie), 22 1
Humanization of others, 1 1 3-1 1 4 Humility, 121-122, 1 3 1
Immune systems, 1 5- 1 6 Improvement o f dialogue skills and con
versation, 27-43 clarifying choices in, 27, 40-43 limits on control, 29-30, 42 motivation for, 30-43
Influence, personal, 1 7-20 Information:
free flow, 20-23 resolving differences, 1 57-158
Initiative, lack or, 203-205 Insubordination, 20H-209
Intent, 68-70, 76-82, 1 08, 21 1 Internet for learning tools, 227-228
Jerry Springer Show (television program), 1 4
Johnson, Samuel, 1 6 1
Kellogg, Marjorie, 65 Kiecolt-Glaser, Janice, 1 5
Labeling, 53-54, 6 1 , 108, 1 82-185 Learning dialogue skills, 1 79-1 92,
2 1 5-228 Lewin, Kurt, 224 Limits on control, 29-30, 42 Listening skills, 1 41-159
Markman, Howard, 1 2-13 Masking, 52, 6 1 , 67, 1 82-1 85 Maslow, Abraham, 171-172 Mirroring, 1 49-1 50, 1 55, 1 59, 1 85,
1 87, 1 90 Models of dialogue skills, 1 82-1 85 Motives:
clever stories, 1 07, 108 learning dialogue skills, 220,
223-226 others’, 98, 1 54 own, 30-37
Murray, Bill, 205 Mutual Purpose:
avoidance behavior, 202 dialogue learning tools, 1 87, 1 89 difficult personal situations, 21 1 harassment, 1 95 inventing, 85-86, 87, 92 lack of dialogue skills, 2 1 4 safety, 68-70, 76-92
Mutual Respect: dialogue learning tools, 187 safety, 7 1 -74, 76-92
Notarius, Clifford, 1 2-13
Objects, using to learn dialogue skills, 225-226
Online fuJ’ lcw’ning louis, 227-228 Opiniuns:
othCJ’H·. I ) I . 1 4 1 l ‘llJ. I HI). 1 87. 1 90 silurinR. I . 2 1
INDEX 233
Opinions (Cont, ) : strong beliefs, 136-1 40 (See also Talking tentatively)
Options (See Choices) Organizational success, 1 0-12 Ouida, 45
Paraphrasing, 1 50- 1 5 1 , 1 55, 1 59, 1 85, 1 87, 1 90
Parker, Dorothy, 1 1 9 Parkinson, C. Northcote, 1 Path to Action:
about, 98-99 difficult situations, 1 23-135, 1 40, 203 harassment, 1 95 others’, 1 4 1-1 59, 1 90-1 92 retracing, 1 02-1 1 2, 1 17, 184, 1 87,
1 90 Patience, 1 45, 1 59, 202 Patterns of behavior, 204-206, 207-208,
21 1-2 1 2 Performance reviews, 224 Persuasion with facts, 1 26-127, 140 Physical reactions:
adrenaline, 4, 35 observing, 48-49, 226
Pool of Shared Meaning: about, 21-25 dialogue model, 1 82-185 listening to others, 141-1 59 risky information, 1 1 9-140 silence, 5 1 violence, 53
Powell, John, 1 79 Practicing dialogue skills, 222-223, 226,
228 Priming, 1 5 1-153, 155, 1 59, 1 85, 187,
1 90 Productivity, 1 0, 1 1 Purpose:
different, 82-88 Mutual (See Mutual Purpose)
Quality, 1 1
Regrets, 209-21 0 Rehearsal o f dialogue skills, 222 Relationships, 1 2-13, 68-74, 1 95-1 96 Respect:
harassment, 1 94- 1 95
234 INDEX
Respect (Cont. ) : lack of, 208-209 Mutual, 7 1 -74, 76-92, 1 87
Revenge, 37 Rusk, Dean, 1 4 1
Safety: avoidance behavior, 20 1 failure, 37, 65-74 learning dialogue skills, 1 80-1 92 listening to others, 142, 143, 148 organizational skills, 1 1 overly sensitive persons, 196 Pool of Shared Meaning, 2 1 priming, a s listening tool, 1 5 1-153 restoring, 74-92 risky topics, 1 2 1 – 1 23, 130-131 watching for problems, 49-54
Scripts for dialogue skills, 21 7-220 Self-awareness:
interpreting observations, 93-1 1 8 overly deferential persons, 1 99 rari ty of, 45 strong beliefs, 1 38-1 40 Style Under Stress, 56-62
Self-justification, 106- 1 1 2 Sellouts, 1 09-1 1 2 Sensitivity t o others, 1 95-1 96, 2 1 0-2 1 1 Sexual harassment, 1 94-195 Shakespeare, William, 99 Silence:
about, 51-53, 6 1 dialogue model, 1 82-185 overly sensitive persons, 195- 1 96 strong beliefs, 1 37 watching for, 1 02, 1 1 7, 141-142,
1 80- 1 8 1 Sincerity, 1 43, 1 48 Speaking skills, 1 1 9-140, 187, 1 49- 1 50 Stories:
mastering, 93-1 1 8, 1 84, 1 90 overly sensitive persons, 1 96 regrettable statements, 2 1 0 retracing Path to Action, 1 02, 1 1 7,
1 84, 1 87, 1 90 telling, 1 28-1 3 1 , 1 40, 1 87, 1 90
Stress, Style Under, 56-62, 1 82-183 Sucker’s Choices:
about, 37-4 1 , 43, 1 08-109 difficult topics, 1 20- 1 2 1 , 1 22
Sucker’s Choices (Cont. ) : Helpless Stories, 1 14-1 1 5 and honesty, 30-33, 2 1 0-21 1 learning tools, 1 84, 1 86
Surprises, 5, 193-194, 2 1 2-2 13, 21 6, 220
Talking tentatively: avoidance behavior, 20 1 opinions, 1 3 1-135, 1 36, 140, 1 87 overly sensitive persons, 1 96 personal observations, 21 1 regrettable statements, 2 1 0
Time constraints: decision making, 1 73-1 74 taking action, 1 76, 1 78, 1 88, 1 92
Time-outs, 207 Timing:
conversations becoming crucial, 48-49
insubordination, handling, 209 mastering stories, 1 00, 102
Tone of voice, 149-150 Tools:
audio dialogue learning tools,227 for learning dialogue skills,
1 79-192, 2 1 5-228 priming, as listening tool,
1 51-153 video dialogue learning tools, 227 website for learning tools,
227-228 Topics of crucial conversations:
common, 7-8 difficult, 1 1 9-140 organizational, 1 1- 1 2
Trust, failed, 200-20 1
Vague situations, 202-203 Victim Stories:
about, 106-107, 1 1 8 behavior patterns, 204, 205-206,
207-208 useful stories, 1 1 2-1 1 3
Video dialogue learning tools, 227
Villain Stories: about, 1 07-108, 1 1 8 failed trust, 20 I harassment , I q4
Villain Stories (Cont. ): Helpless Stories, 1 09 useful stories, 1 13-1 1 4
Violence: about, 5 1 , 53-54, 6 1 , 1 4 1- 1 42 dialogue model, 1 82-1 85 strong beliefs, 1 37 watching for, 102, 1 1 7, 1 80-181
Vocabulary (See Words) Voting, 1 66, 1 70-1 7 1, 1 78
Website for learning tools, 227-228
INDEX 235
Winning, 36, 136-1 40, 170-171 Withdrawal, 52-53, 6 1 , 182-1 85,
20 1-202 Words:
emotional, 103-104 judgmental, 1 05-106 mirroring, 149-150 word games, 21 1-2 1 2
About the Authors
Kerry Patterson (kp@vitalsmarts.com) began his research into the
challenges of developing and maintaining healthy organizations
during his doctoral work at Stanford University. He has taught at
