Generally speaking, a vast majority of these problems go away
if they’re privately, respectfully, and firmly discussed. Your
biggest challenge will be the respect part. If you put up with this
behavior for too long, you’ll be inclined to tell a more and more
potent Villain Story about the offender. This will jack up your
YEAH, BUT 1 95
emotions to the point that you’ll go in with guns blazing-even
if only through your body language.
The Solution
Tell the rest of the story. If you’ve tolerated the behavior for a long
time before holding the conversation, own up to it. This may help
you treat the individual like a reasonable, rational, and decent
person-even if some of his or her behavior doesn’t fit this
description.
When you feel a measure of respect for the other person,
you’re ready to begin. After establishing a Mutual Purpose for
the exchange, STATE your path. For example:
”I’d like to talk about something that’s getting in the way of
my working with you. It’s a tough issue to bring up, but I
think it’ll help us be better teammates if I do. Is that okay?”
[Establish Mutual Purpose]
“When I walk into your office, sometimes your eyes
move up and down my body. And when I sit next to you at
a computer, sometimes you put your arm around the back
of my chair. I don’t know that you’re aware you’re doing
these things, so I thought I’d bring them up because they
send a message that makes me uncomfortable. How do you
see it?” [STATE My Path]
If you can be respectful and private but firm in this conversa
tion, most problem behavior will stop. And remember, if the
behavior is over the line, you shouldn’t hesitate to contact HR to
ensure your rights and dignity are protected.
“YEAH, BUT . . .
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN your spouse is too sensitive? You
try to give him or her some constructive feedback, but he
or she ((‘(Je/<, “(J \ Irorrgly that you end up going to silence.”
1 96 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
The Danger Point
Often couples come to an unspoken agreement during the first
year or so of their marriage that affects how they communicate
for the rest of their marriage. Say one person is touchy and
can’t take feedback, or the other doesn’t give it very well. In
any case, they in effect agree to say nothing to each other. They
live in silence. Problems have to be huge before they’re dis
cussed.
