FERNANDO: Really, I was merely trying to give you a chance
to get my input before you got too far down the path on a
project. The last guy I worked with was constantly taking
his project to near completion only to learn that he’d left
out a key element. I’m trying to avoid surprises.
Earn the right to share your story by starting with your facts.
Facts lay the groundwork for all delicate conversations.
leI! You r Story
Sharing your story can be tricky. Even if you’ve started with your
facts, the other person can still become defensive when you
move from facts to stories. After all, you’re sharing potentially
unflattering conclusions and judgments.
Why share your story in the first place? Because the facts
alone are rarely worth mentioning. It’s the facts plus the conclu
sion that call for a face-to-face discussion. In addition, if you
STATE MY PATH 1 29
simply mention the facts, the other person may not understand
the severity of the implications. For example:
“I noticed that you had company software in your brief
case.”
“Yep, that’s the beauty of software. It’s portable.”
“That particular software is proprietary.”
“It ought to be! Our future depends on it.”
“My understanding is that it’s not supposed to go home.”
“Of course not. That’s how people steal it.”
(Sounds like it’s time for a conclusion.) “I was wondering what
the software is doing in your briefcase. It looks like you’re tak
ing it home. Is that what’s going on here?”
It takes confidence. To be honest, it can be difficult to share
negative conclusions and unattractive judgments (e.g., “I’m
wondering if you’re a thief”) . It takes confidence to share such a
potentially inflammatory story. However, if you’ve done your
homework by thinking through the facts behind your story you’ll
realize that you are drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent
conclusion. One that deserves hearing. And by starting with the
facts, you’ve laid the groundwork. By thinking through the facts
and then leading with them, you’re much more likely to have the
confidence you need to add controversial and vitally important
meaning to the shared pool.
Don ‘t pile it on. Sometimes we lack the confidence to speak
up, so we let problems simmer for a long time. Given the
chance, we generate a whole arsenal of unflattering conclu
sions. For example, you’re about to hold a crucial conversation
with your child’s second-grade teacher. The teacher wants to
hold your daughter back a year. You want your daughter to
advance right along with her age group. This is what’s going on
in your head:
1 30 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
“I can’t believe this ! This teacher is straight out of college,
and she wants to hold Debbie back. To be perfectly frank,
I don’t think she gives much weight to the stigma of being
held back. Worse still, she’s quoting the recommendation of
the school psychologist. The guy’s a real idiot. I’ve met him,
and I wouldn’t trust him with a common cold. I’m not
going to let these two morons push me around.”
Which of these insulting conclusions or judgments should you
share? Certainly not the entire menagerie of unflattering tales. In
fact, you’re going to need to work on this Villain Story before
you have any hope of healthy dialogue. As you do, your story
begins to sound more like this (note the careful choice of
terms-after all, it is your story, not the facts) :
“When I first heard your recommendation, my initial reac
tion was to oppose your decision. But after thinking about
it, I’ve realized I could be wrong. I realized I don’t really
have any experience about what’s best for Debbie in this
situation-only fears about the stigma of being held back.
I know it’s a complex issue. I’d like to talk about how both
of us can more objectively weigh this decision.”
Look for safety problems. As you share your story, watch for
signs that safety is deteriorating. If people start becoming defen
sive or appear to be insulted, step out of the conversation and
rebuild safety by Contrasting.
Use Contrasting. Here’s how it works:
“I know you care a great deal about my daughter, and I’m
confident you’re well-trained. That’s not my concern at all.
I know you want to do what’s best for Debbie, and I do too.
