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To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave

silence or violence behind, explore their Paths to Action. Start

with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore


Then, use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other

person’s Path to Action to its origins.

• Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s


• Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the

emotions people appear to be feeling.

• l!.araphrase. As others begin to share part of their story,

restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you under­

stand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re


• Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best

guess at what they may be thinking and feeling.

As you begin to share your views, remember:

• Agree. Agree when you do.

• Build. If others leave something out, agree where you do,

then build.

• Qompare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others

are wrong. Compare your two views.




To do nothmg IS m every man’s power.


Move to Action How to Turn Crucial

Conversations into Action and Results

Up until this point we’ve suggested that getting more meaning

into the pool helps with dialogue. It’s the one thing that helps

people make savvy decisions that, in turn, lead to smart actions.

In order to encourage this free flow of meaning, we’ve shared the

skills we’ve been able to learn by watching people who are gift­

ed at dialogue. By now, if you’ve followed some or all of this

advice, you’re walking around with full pools. People who walk

near you should hear the sloshing.

It’s time we add two final skills. Having more meaning in the

pool . even jointly owning it, doesn’t guarantee that we all agree

on what we’re going to do with the meaning. For example, when

Il!ums or families meet and generate a host of ideas, they often

fa i l to convert the ideas into act ion for two reasons:




• They have unclear expectations about how decisions will be


• They do a poor job of acting on the decisions they do make.

This can be dangerous. In fact, when people move from adding

meaning to the pool to moving to action, it’s a prime time for new

challenges to arise. Who is supposed to take the assignment?

That can be controversial. How are we supposed to decide in the

first place? That can be emotional. Let’s take a look at what it

takes to solve each of these problems. First, making decisions.


The two riskiest times in crucial conversations tend to be at the

beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because you

have to find a way to create safety or else things go awry. The end

is dicey because if you aren’t careful about how you clarify the

conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of Shared

Meaning, you can run into violated expectations later on. This

can happen in two ways.

How are decisions going to be made? First, people may not

understand how decisions are going to be made. For example,

Cara is miffed. Rene just plunked down a brochure for a three­

day cruise and announced he had made reservations and even

paid the five hundred dollar deposit for an outside suite.

A week ago they had a crucial conversation about vacation

plans. Both expressed their views and preferences respectfully

and candidly. It wasn’t easy, but at the end they concluded a

cruise suited both quite well. And yet Cara is miffed, and Rene

is stunned that Cara is anything less than ecstatic.

Cara agreed in principle about a cruise. She didn’t agree with

this particular cruise. Rene thought that any cruise would be fine

and made a decision on his own. Have fun on the cruise. Rene.




Are we ever going to decide? The second problem with deci­

sion making occurs when no decision gets made. Either ideas

slip away and dissipate, or people can’t figure out what to do

with them. Or maybe everyone is waiting for everyone else to

make the decisions. “Hey, we filled the pool. Now you do some­

thing with it.” In any case, decisions drag on forever.

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