EXPLORE OTHERS’ PATHS 1 59
SUMMARY-EXPLORE OTHERS’ PATHS
To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave
silence or violence behind, explore their Paths to Action. Start
with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore
safety.
Then, use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other
person’s Path to Action to its origins.
• Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s
views.
• Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the
emotions people appear to be feeling.
• l!.araphrase. As others begin to share part of their story,
restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you under
stand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re
thinking.
• Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best
guess at what they may be thinking and feeling.
As you begin to share your views, remember:
• Agree. Agree when you do.
• Build. If others leave something out, agree where you do,
then build.
• Qompare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others
are wrong. Compare your two views.
To do nothmg IS m every man’s power.
-SAMUl\L JOHNSON
Move to Action How to Turn Crucial
Conversations into Action and Results
Up until this point we’ve suggested that getting more meaning
into the pool helps with dialogue. It’s the one thing that helps
people make savvy decisions that, in turn, lead to smart actions.
In order to encourage this free flow of meaning, we’ve shared the
skills we’ve been able to learn by watching people who are gift
ed at dialogue. By now, if you’ve followed some or all of this
advice, you’re walking around with full pools. People who walk
near you should hear the sloshing.
It’s time we add two final skills. Having more meaning in the
pool . even jointly owning it, doesn’t guarantee that we all agree
on what we’re going to do with the meaning. For example, when
Il!ums or families meet and generate a host of ideas, they often
fa i l to convert the ideas into act ion for two reasons:
1 62 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
• They have unclear expectations about how decisions will be
made.
• They do a poor job of acting on the decisions they do make.
This can be dangerous. In fact, when people move from adding
meaning to the pool to moving to action, it’s a prime time for new
challenges to arise. Who is supposed to take the assignment?
That can be controversial. How are we supposed to decide in the
first place? That can be emotional. Let’s take a look at what it
takes to solve each of these problems. First, making decisions.
DIALOGUE IS NOT DECISION MAKING
The two riskiest times in crucial conversations tend to be at the
beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because you
have to find a way to create safety or else things go awry. The end
is dicey because if you aren’t careful about how you clarify the
conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of Shared
Meaning, you can run into violated expectations later on. This
can happen in two ways.
How are decisions going to be made? First, people may not
understand how decisions are going to be made. For example,
Cara is miffed. Rene just plunked down a brochure for a three
day cruise and announced he had made reservations and even
paid the five hundred dollar deposit for an outside suite.
A week ago they had a crucial conversation about vacation
plans. Both expressed their views and preferences respectfully
and candidly. It wasn’t easy, but at the end they concluded a
cruise suited both quite well. And yet Cara is miffed, and Rene
is stunned that Cara is anything less than ecstatic.
Cara agreed in principle about a cruise. She didn’t agree with
this particular cruise. Rene thought that any cruise would be fine
and made a decision on his own. Have fun on the cruise. Rene.
MOVE TO ACTION 1 63
Are we ever going to decide? The second problem with deci
sion making occurs when no decision gets made. Either ideas
slip away and dissipate, or people can’t figure out what to do
with them. Or maybe everyone is waiting for everyone else to
make the decisions. “Hey, we filled the pool. Now you do some
thing with it.” In any case, decisions drag on forever.
