Examples of mirroring include:
“You say you’re okay, but by the tone of your voice, you
seem upset.”
“You seem angry at me.”
“You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure
you’re willing to do it?”
�a raph rase to Acknowledge the Story
Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person’s
story out into the open. When you get a clue about why the per
son is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety
by paraphrasing what you’ve heard. Be careful not to simply par
rot back what was said. Instead, put the message in your own
words-usually in an abbreviated form.
“Let’s see if I’ve got this right. You’re upset because I’ve
voiced my concern about some of the clothes you wear. And
this seems controlling or old-fashioned to you.”
EXPLORE OTHERS’ PATHS 1 51
The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm
and collected. Our goal is to make it safe, not to act horrified and
suggest that the conversation is about to tum ugly. Stay focused
on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person
could have created this Path to Action. This will help you keep
from becoming angry or defensive. Simply rephrase what the per
son has said, and do it in a way that suggests that it’s okay, you’re
trying to understand, and it’s safe for him or her to talk candidly.
Don ‘t push too hard. Let’s see where we are. We can tell that
another person has more to share than he or she is currently
sharing. He or she is going to silence or violence, and we want
to know why. We want to get back to the source (the facts)
where we can solve the problem. To encourage the person to
share, we’ve tried three listening tools. We’ve asked, mirrored,
and paraphrased. The person is still upset, but isn’t explaining
his or her stories or facts.
Now what? At this point, we may want to back off. After a
while, our attempts to make it safe for others can start feeling as
if we’re pestering or prying. If we push too hard, we violate both
purpose and respect. Others may think our purpose is merely to
extract what we want from them and conclude that we don’t care
about them personally. So instead, we back off. Rather than try
ing to get to the source of the other person’s emotions, we either
gracefully exit or ask what he or she wants to see happen. Asking
people what they want helps them engage their brains in a way
that moves to problem solving and away from either attacking or
avoiding. It also helps reveal what they think the cause of the
problem is.
frime When You’re Getti ng Nowhere
On the other hand, there are times when you may conclude that
others would like to open up but still don’t feel safe. Or maybe
t hey’re s t i l l in violence, haven ‘t come down from the adrenaline,
1 52 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
and aren’t explaining why they’re angry. When this is the case,
you might want to try priming. Prime when you believe that the
other person still has something to share and might do so with a
little more effort on your part.
