Contrasting provides context and proportion. When we’re in
the middle of a touchy conversation, sometimes others hear what
we’re saying as bigger or worse than we intend. For example, you
talk with your assistant about his lack of punctuality. When you
share your concern, he appears crushed.
At this point you could be tempted to water down your con
lent-“You know it’s really not that big a deal.” Don’t do it.
Don’t take back what you’ve said. Instead, put it in context. For
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instance, at this point your assistant may believe you are com
pletely dissatisfied with his performance. He believes that your
view of the issue at hand represents the totality of your respect
for him. If this belief is incorrect, use Contrasting to clarify
what you don’t and do believe. Start with what you don’t
believe.
“Let me put this in perspective. I don’t want you to think
I’m not satisfied with the quality of your work. I want us to
continue working together. I really do think you’re doing a
good job. This punctuality issue is important to me, and I’d
just like you to work on that. If you will be more attentive
to that, there are no other issues.”
Use Contrasting for prevention or first aid. Contrasting is use
ful both as a prevention and as first aid for safety problems. So
far our examples have been of the first-aid type. Someone has
taken something wrong, and we’ve intervened to clarify our true
purpose or meaning.
When we’re aware that something we’re about to drop into
the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we
use Contrasting to bolster safety-even before we see others
going to either silence or violence.
“I don’t want you to think that I don’t appreciate the time
you’ve taken to keep our checkbook balanced and up to
date. I do appreciate it, and I know I certainly couldn’t have
done nearly as well. I do, however, have some concerns
with how we’re using the new electronic banking system.”
When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the
misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you
don’t mean until you’ve restored safety. Then return to the
conversation. Safety first.
MAKE IT SAFE 81
You Try
Let’s practice. Read the situations below and then come up with
your own Contrasting statements. Remember, contrast what you
don’t want or intend with what you actually do want or intend.
Say it in a way that helps make it safe for the other person.
Angry roommate. You asked your roommate to move her
things in the refrigerator off your shelves and onto her shelves.
You thought it was no big deal, simply a request to share the
space evenly. You have no hidden agenda. You like this roommate
a great deal. She came back with: “There you go again, telling me
how to run my life. I can’t change the vacuum cleaner bag with
out you jumping in and giving me advice.”
Formulate a Contrasting statement.
I don’t want __________________ _
I do want ___________________ _
Touchy employee. You’re about to talk to Jacob, an employee
who continually blows up when people try to give him feedback.
Yesterday a coworker told Jacob that she’d prefer it if he would
clean up after himself in the lunchroom (something that every
one else does), and Jacob blew up. You’ve decided to say some
thing. Of course, you’ll be giving him feedback, and that’s what
usually sets him off, so you’ll need to be careful up front. You’ll
want to set the right tone and lay out the context carefully. After
all, you like Jacob a lot. Everyone does. He has a great sense of
humor and is the most competent and hard-working employee
around. If he could only be less touchy.
Formulate a Contrasting statement.
I don’t want __________________ _
I do want
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