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CLERK: It sounds like you had a problem of some kind. Is

that right?

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PATIENT: I’ll say. It hurt quite a bit. And besides, isn’t the

doctor, like, uh, way too old?

In this case, the patient is reluctant to speak up. Perhaps if

she shares her honest opinion, she will insult the doctor, or

maybe the loyal staff members will become offended. To deal

with the problem, the desk attendant lets the patient know

that it’s safe to talk (as much with his tone as with his words) ,

and she opens up.

Stay curious. When people begin to share their volatile stories

and feelings, we now face the risk of pulling out our own Victim,

Villain, and Helpless Stories to help us explain why they’re say-




ing what they’re saying. Unfortunately, since it’s rarely fun to

hear other people’s unflattering stories, we begin to assign nega­

tive motives to them for telling the stories. For example:

CLERK: Well aren’t you the ungrateful one! The kind doctor

devotes his whole life to helping people and now that he’s

a little gray around the edges, you want to send him out

to pasture!

To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, stay curious. Give

your brain a problem to stay focused on. Ask: “Why would a rea­

sonable, rational, and decent person say this?” This question

keeps you retracing the other person’s Path to Action until you

see how it all fits together. And in most cases, you end up seeing

that under the circumstances, the individual in question drew a

fairly reasonable conclusion.

Be patient. When others are acting out their feelings and

opinions through silence or violence, it’s a good bet they’re

starting to feel the effects of adrenaline. Even if we do our best

to safely and effectively respond to the other person’s possible

onslaught, we still have to face up to the fact that it’s going to

take a little while for him or her to settle down. Say, for exam­

ple, that a friend dumps out an ugly story and you treat it with

respect and continue on with the conversation. Even if the two

of you now share a similar view, it may seem like your friend is

still pushing too hard. While it’s natural to move quickly from

one thought to the next, strong emotions take a while to sub­

side. Once the chemicals that fuel emotions are released, they

hang around in the bloodstream for a time-in some cases, long

after thoughts have changed.

So be patient when exploring how others think and feel.

Encourage them to share their path and then wait for their emo­

t ions to catch up with the safety that you’ve created.




Encourage Others to Retrace Their Path

Once you’ve decided to maintain a curious approach, it’s time to

help the other person retrace his or her Path to Action.

Unfortunately, most of us fail to do so. That’s because when oth­

ers start playing silence or violence games, we’re joining the con­

versation at the end of their Path to Action. They’ve seen and

heard things, told themselves a story or two, generated a feeling

(possibly a mix of fear and anger or disappointment) , and now

they’re starting to act out their story. That’s where we come in.

Now, even though we may be hearing their first words, we’re

coming in somewhere near the end of their path. On the Path to

Action model, we’re seeing the action at the end of the path-as

shown in Figure 8-1 . Every sentence has a history. To get a feel for how complicat­

ed and unnerving this process is, remember how you felt the last

time your favorite mystery show started late because a football

game ran long. As the game wraps up, the screen cross-fades

from a trio of announcers to a starlet standing over a murder vic­

tim. Along the bottom of the screen are the discomforting words,

“We now join this program already in progress.”

&eel TeU a Hear —too- Story –…,… Feel

Figure 8- 1 . The Path to Action




You shake the remote in exasperation. You’ve missed the

entire setup! For the rest of the program you end up guessing

about key facts. What happened before you joined in?

Crucial conversations can be equally mysterious and frustrat­

ing. When others are in either silence or violence, we’re actually

joining their Path to Action already in progress. Consequently,

we’ve already missed the foundation of the story and we’re con­

fused. If we’re not careful, we can become defensive. After all,

not only are we joining late, but we’re also joining at a time when

the other person is starting to act offensively.

Break the cycle. And then guess what happens? When we’re on

the receiving end of someone’s retributions, accusations, and cheap

shots, rarely do we think: “My, what an interesting story he or she

must have told. What do you suppose led to that?” Instead, we

match this unhealthy behavior. Our defense mechanisms kick in,

and we create our own hasty and ugly Path to Action.

People who know better cut this dangerous cycle by stepping

out of the interaction and making it safe for the other person to

talk about his or her Path to Action. They perform this feat by

encouraging him or her to move away from harsh feelings and

knee-jerk reactions and toward the root cause. In essence, they

retrace the other person’s Path to Action together. At their

encouragement, the other person moves from his or her emo­

tions, to what he or she concluded, to what he or she observed.

When we help others retrace their path to its origins, not only

do we help curb our reaction, but we also return to the place

where the feelings can be resolved-at the source, or the facts

and the story behind the emotion.

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