CHANGE YOUR LIFE 2 1 9
WHAT ARE OUR CHANCES?
So let’s see what we’re facing when we try to change our Style
Under Stress. Tough conversations come at us out of nowhere,
fill us with adrenaline, and evoke comfortable (but not neces
sarily good) routines. They are spontaneous, emotional, and
backed by years of practice.
Consequently, when you examine people working through
crucial conversations, they look a lot more like racehorses charg
ing out of the gate than human beings making choices . Conver
sationalists are shocked into motion by surprise, whipped up to
speed by high stakes and strong emotions, and propelled along a
completely predictable course by scripts that offer few if any
options.
TRANSFER TIPS
Given the challenges of altering routine scripts, can people
actually change? Early in our research, we (the authors) once
examined forty-eight front-line supervisors who were learning
how to hold crucial conversations. As we watched the trainees
back at work, it became clear to us that only a few of them
transferred what they had learned in the classroom back to
their work site. The bad news is that most of them didn’t
change an iota. The good news is that some of them did. In
fact, they used the new skills precisely as instructed.
The supervisors who found a way to apply the new skills
taught us the following four principles for turning ideas into
action:
• First, master the content. That means not only do you have
to be able to recognize what works and why, but you have to
generate new scripts of your own.
220 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
• Second, master the skills. You must be able to enact these new
scripts in a way that is consistent with the supporting princi
ples . As it turns out, simply understanding a concept isn’t
enough. While it’s helpful, even necessary to talk the talk, you
have to be able to walk the talk. You have to be able to say the
right words with the right tone and nonverbal actions. When
it comes to social skills, knowing and doing are two different
animals.
• Third, enhance your motive. You must want to change. This
means that you have to care enough about improving your
crucial conversation skills to actually do something. You have
to move from a passive sense that it would be a good idea to
change, to an active desire to seek opportunities . Ability with
out motive lies dormant and untapped.
• Fourth, watch for cues. To overcome surprise, emotion, and
scripts, you must recognize the call to action. This is usually
people’s biggest obstacle to change. Old stimuli generate old
responses. If a problem doesn’t cue your new skills, you’ll return
to your old habits without even realizing you missed a chance to
try something new.
Master the Content
There’s too much material in this book to try to master in one sit
ting. Despite the fact that you may have read this book rather
quickly, a rapid once-over rarely generates much of a change in
behavior. You may have a feel for the content, but probably not
enough to propel you to change.
Here are some other steps you can take to help master the
content.
CHANGE YOUR LIFE 2 2 1
Do something. Years ago, Dale Carnegie recommended that
you read his now classic How to Win Friends and Influence
People one chapter at a time. Then, once you finished the chap
ter, he suggested you go out and practice what you learned from
it. We agree. Pick a chapter you found relevant (possibly one
with a low score in your Style Under Stress test) and read it
again. This time, implement what you learned over a three- to
five-day period. Look for opportunities. Pounce on every chance
you get. Step up to the plate and give the skills a try. Then pick
another chapter and repeat the process.
Discuss the material. When you first learn something, your
knowledge is “preverbal.” That is, you might recognize the con
cepts if you see them, but you’re not able to discuss them with
ease. You haven’t talked about them enough to make them part
of your functional vocabulary. You haven’t turned the words
into phrases and the phrases into scripts. To move your knowl
edge to the next level, read a chapter and then discuss it with a
friend or loved one. Talk about the material until the concepts
come naturally.
Teach the material. If you really want to master a concept,
teach it to someone else. Stick with it until the other person
understands the concept well enough to pass it on to someone
else.
