We hold this moderate position as most reasonable. Masturbation can be a healthy way for a person without a marital partner to experience sexual gratification or release. God has created humans as sexual beings, so masturbation is one means for them to be in touch with their sexuality. Some common reasons people masturbate are associated with relieving sexual tension, relaxation, or lack of available partners. Sexual pleasuring may be a positive option for married persons who experience separation or the death of a spouse. Accordingly, many Christians need to be freed from the guilty feelings they have about masturbation.
But masturbation is not always psychologically and morally healthy. Compulsive masturbation can lead to addictive, self-defeating patterns. Within marriage, masturbation can be a negative factor if it deprives one’s spouse of sexual fulfillment or is used as a way of evading relationship problems. When married partners have different desires regarding the frequency of intercourse, however, masturbation may be a healthy outlet and a loving solution. The relationship must always take priority as the couple faces their sexual differences rather than escapes them.
Another issue to contemplate is the connection between masturbation, fantasizing, and lust. Jesus teaches about this in Matthew 5:27–28: “You have
heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Lusting after a particular person may lead to acting out one’s desire. This is adultery, and adultery is sin. Lusting should not necessarily be equated with fantasizing, however. Most people fantasize about future possibilities, and masturbation with one’s spouse or future spouse in mind can be a helpful way to remain celibate and faithful.
Lusting has more to do with inordinate, inappropriate desire and finding ways to fulfill it. In fantasy, by contrast, one’s wish is more general, and there is usually no specific attempt to achieve it. The one who is doing the lusting or fantasizing is usually aware of the difference. The person, for example, who masturbates while fantasizing about having sex with a neighbor’s wife turns the lust into action when he makes an advance to her. In this case, fantasy is a precursor to a sinful act. It behooves us to pay attention to our fantasies, so that we can keep them within God’s intended purpose.
It may be that a person who craves power fantasizes about sexual conquest. Bringing such a fantasy to awareness makes it possible to consider whether this is God’s intended purpose. This particular fantasy disregards God’s commandment to love others and not do them harm. In the same way, people who masturbate while viewing erotic pictures ought to consider the moral question of sexual exploitation and consider whether the dehumanizing aspect of the erotic material is in keeping with God’s intention for humanity. The rising concern about pornography involves these issues, since the distorted attitudes about women and sex in our culture may lead to an increase in rape and other violent crimes. Again, the Bible admonishes us to cherish and value one another.
These are the kinds of issues for Christians to consider when trying to decide what one is free to do and what is good to do. Each one of us must determine the appropriateness of our fantasies and the effect they have on our whole life. It is possible to monitor our thoughts in the area of sexuality, just as it is possible to make choices about other things we allow to affect us. A person who reads a novel or sees a movie and experiences a romantic fantasy needs to consider if it takes away from the spouse and the marital relationship or increases responsiveness to the spouse in a positive way. The single person needs to decide whether a particular fantasy enhances the hope for a future relationship with a partner whom God has intended or idealizes a phantom person in a role that no ordinary person can fill. The important thing
is that we are able to admit when our fantasies are not in keeping with God’s intention and to change them to conform to God’s plan for us.
In the past, the Christian community has magnified the sins of the flesh out of proportion to other wrongs and given the erroneous impression that sexual sins are far worse than any other sins. It is important to remember that we have been created in the image of God, and we are the children of God who have been made righteous through the blood of Christ. All our sins are forgivable. Regardless of what our past sexual life has been, we can come before God, ask forgiveness, and claim sexual purity in Christ. At the same time, we are responsible for our behavior and must earnestly seek God’s help to become whole persons in every aspect of our lives, including sexuality.
Sexual Identity Sexual attraction is a natural part of a person’s sexual development, as
well as somewhat of a mystery in terms of who people find attractive. Part of God’s design in creating us as sexual beings is that our attractions draw us into deeper personal relationships with others. The vast majority of people identify as heterosexual with opposite-sex attraction. A host of studies have suggested that the percentage of people who identify as gay is much lower (2–3 percent). Contemporary Perspectives on Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Identities (Hope 2009) estimates that 2 percent of men and 1 percent of women are exclusively same-sex attracted, and 1 percent of men and women are exclusively same-sex in behavior. However, it is estimated that over a lifetime, 6–8 percent of men and 9–10 percent of women have experienced a degree of same-sex attraction, and 5 percent of men and 2 percent of women have engaged in same-sex behavior.
Researchers consistently find no conclusive evidence as to why certain individuals develop same-sex attraction or identity as homosexuals. Eleanor Whiteway and Denis Alexander (2015) state that “no single cause can explain the variety or form of same-sex attraction across genders and cultures” (70). Instead, studies indicate a combination of interrelated bio- social-cultural influences, as well as multiple pathways that lead to same-sex orientation.
A common experience among homosexuals in childhood or adolescence is that of not conforming to traditional gender traits or behavior. The fear of exposure and being labeled “queer” by classmates and family members
makes this a confusing and painful time. The attempt to hide same-sex attraction is understandable in a society that exhibits considerable contempt for homosexual and bisexual persons. Ignorance and intolerance unfortunately can lead to homophobic reactions along with acts of hatred and even murder. Hatchel et al. (2019) found that LGBTQ youth were more than three times more likely to have attempted suicide compared with non- LGBTQ peers, and female youth in the psychiatric inpatient facility in the study were twice as likely to have attempted it as male patients. It is reasonable to expect that there is a personal cost to one’s mental well-being when living with the fear, hatred, and shame associated with sexual identity.
Believing that God intended heterosexual union as the created norm (Gen. 1–3; Rom. 1:26–27; 1 Cor. 6:9–11), the Christian community has traditionally condemned homosexuality. More recently, alternative responses have emerged in light of the recognition that same-sex attraction is not a choice. Therefore, it is not the orientation that is condemned but the behavior. This has led to the expectation that those who have same-sex attractions choose heterosexual relationship or celibacy. An alternative response is the acceptance of committed, same-sex monogamous relationships. Some advocate for legalization of marriage, ordination, and leadership in the church. Whatever the response, Christians and churches across denominational lines are challenged to be a reconciling force in relating to the gay community.
In doing extensive counseling with the LGBTQ community, Mark Yarhouse (2010), Regent University professor of psychology and director of the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity, believes it is helpful to distinguish between attractions, orientation, and sexual identity, which he considers to be at the heart of the matter. The first tier, attraction, is a descriptive term in which the person has no control over the fact that they are attracted to a person of the same sex. The second tier, sexual orientation, is a same-sex attraction that is felt as persistent and durable. Finally, the third tier, gay identity, is prescriptive. It involves describing oneself with a label that involves cultural meaning—a formed sexual identity and not just a description. He contends, “Public sexual identity is how you identify your sexual preferences to other people or how other people label you, whereas private sexual identity is how you identify your sexual preferences to yourself” (39; italics in original). A person with same-sex attractions and orientation may choose an “identity in Christ” as an alternative script that
guides life choices. This means following the teachings of Jesus as the model for their lives.
Yarhouse (2010) explains: “I work on what most people can manage and experience change in: I look at how identity develops over time and how it can reflect a person’s beliefs and values. I want to help people live their lives and identify themselves in ways that are in keeping with their Christian beliefs and values” (91). He reminds Christians to be humble, to listen carefully and compassionately to the person’s developmental story, and to refrain from placing unrealistic expectations on them.
Many deeply spiritual gay Christians wish to be accepted and affirmed in their attraction/orientation/identity. They are looking for churches that offer a safe place of worship, fellowship, and service.
We began this book with our theology of relationships, built on the premise that the original intention of God’s creation was heterosexuality. In the Genesis account, the ideal is male and female differentiation and unity: we become one flesh for the purpose of intimacy and procreation. However, since the whole human race is fallen, none of us achieves sexual wholeness in accordance with God’s high ideal. Everyone falls short. Homosexuals and heterosexuals alike must strive to find wholeness in their lives in a less than ideal world. Each of us struggles in our own ways for sexual authenticity. In their struggle, some gay Christians believe that God’s plan for them is to commit themselves to a lifelong, monogamous homosexual union.
We advocate compassion and support for all people as they move in the direction of God’s ideal, and our hope is that God will lead each one of us closer to sexual wholeness. Authentically living out God-glorifying sexuality is a spiritual service to God. This will, of course, be a more painful and difficult process for some than for others. By balancing truth and grace, we are called to be a place where the world knows we are Christians by our love. Christ is willing to grant to everyone the privilege of walking through that process of finding sexual wholeness.
Marital Sexuality Sexuality is only one aspect of the marriage relationship. It is authentic and
healthy when it is well integrated into a comprehensive pattern of intimacy between the partners. Authentic sexuality is a characteristic of the differentiated unity of marriage. Several principles will prove helpful for couples who want to achieve authentic sexuality in their marriage.
First, the foundation for authentic sexuality in marriage is mutuality. This idea is presented in 1 Corinthians 7:4–5: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” Here we see that the Bible urges full mutuality. “By agreement” is a translation of the Greek phrase ek symphomnou, which literally means “with one voice” (compare the English word symphony). The mutuality mentioned in verse 5 is consonant with Ephesians 5:21, which tells husbands and wives to “be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Authentic marital sexuality can be achieved only if husband and wife are in agreement about their sexual interaction. There is no room for the misguided view that the husband initiates and dominates while the wife submits in obedience. Rather, 1 Corinthians 7:4–5 and Ephesians 5:21 assume mutual desire for and interest in sexual expression. This requires sensitive communication between the couple about their sexual desires. Just as an orchestra plays “with one voice” when each instrument contributes its own unique part and the music is brought together in harmony, so a married couple reaches sexual harmony through communication and sensitive understanding of each other’s needs.
Second, the husband and wife need to verbally communicate their sexual feelings and desires. Each spouse needs to know what the other desires sexually; this is not the time for guessing games. Sexuality becomes an expression of emotional intimacy and knowing the other. It is important for couples to communicate about how they can best fulfill each other’s sexual needs and desires. Guiding each other through touch and brief words of encouragement during the sexual encounter can be helpful. However, it is also essential that the couple take time to talk about their sexual relationship, so they can evaluate how each is feeling and what may need changing. Open discussion about sexual matters contributes to sexual enjoyment. Obviously, the couple will need to invest time and effort in working together on matters that will enhance the sexual relationship.
