they’re far from the only people who couldn’t wait to get to the Flake that morning. The tailgating scene is overwhelming. As RR, SA, EL, CMur, and JSm get out of the car, they see two beverage stands. One is a permanent structure with both the Flake and Fly Fishing AF logos, situated on a grassy median between parking aisles. It gives every appearance that it is part of the WakeLake & Corn Flakes operation. The other beverage stand, which (improperly) occupies a handicapped parking space, looks like it was set up that day out of plywood and duct tape and has a poster in front that says, in scribbled marker: “COVID-Proof Drunk Tank.” Leaning against the makeshift beer stand is another poster board, this one bearing the photo of a local college football player named CCam along with the following handwritten ad copy:
When CCam snares a one-handed grab over the middle, it’s scoreboard time. When he’s off the gridiron, he double-fists sweet brewski’s from COVID-Proof Drunk Tank! Roll your coverage on over here for today’s WakeLake & Corn Flakes “Kickoff” specials:
• “Cover 2” (buy one of anything, get two free) • “Extra Point” (buy three of anything and I’ll throw in a day-old chocolate donut) • “Fourth and Long” (buy four beers and get a day-old éclair with a day-old and
probably used toothpick in it) • “Pick Six” (when five beers just isn’t enough!) • “Eight in the Box” (who can resist box wine?? comes with eight beer floaters) • “The Iron Skillet” (week-old chocolate donut brought back to life by heating in
a cast iron skillet; comes with four beers) • “Single High” (our most poorly brewed stout) • “Three and Out” (three of our most poorly brewed stouts) • “The WakeBoard” (get your morning started right with the perfect wake-me-up
— a Bellini along with a charcuterie board heavy on allegedly cured meats and beer nut remnants; I would absolutely discourage anyone from buying this, even if you buy enough beer to wash it down)
• “Surf & Turf” (my experimental IPA pairs nicely with a mess of U-12 scallops and a 16-ounce ribeye [*scallops and ribeye not included])
• “Collapse the Pocket” (not sure if the Flake will let you bring beer in? no sweat, Boss — I’ll pour it in your jeans!)
• “Illegal Bock in the Back” (I can’t put these on display but if you want a Shiner that the FDA won’t approve for public consumption, I got you!)
• “Trips Right” (buy three Illegal Bocks and you’re guaranteed to lose your footing!)
• “Turnover Drill” (my favorite loss of possession! help me get rid of these last two week-old apple pastry thingies)
• “Run Support” (a dozen week-old donuts, and a trash bag) • “Offensive Pass Interference” (gluten-heavy IPA infused with chewing gum; I
don’t recommend this but, hey, you do you)
• “Nickel Back” (buy 11 beers and I’ll take five cents off [limited time only]) • “40-Second Play Clock” (down a 40 in 40 seconds and get 40 refills free [*or
until you pass out]) • “Ice the Kicker” (sorry, never mind, I forgot to bring ice) • “Free Safety” (don’t have contact info for Uber or Lyft? you’ve come to the right
place!) • “Late Hit” (come see me as you’re leaving today and I’ll beer you) • “Frosted Flakes” (I stole some corn flakes from inside the store and dumped
them into a frosted mug but couldn’t finish them; want some?) • “Corona Virus” (4-for-1 Corona’s)
It’s time to get “blitzed,” thirsty wakesurfing grocery store people! Don’t get your day off to a “false start”! Come “flip a coin” at COVID-Proof Drunk Tank, get yourself flagged for “intentional pounding,” and sack the competition, Broseph!! (And hey, be sure to make me your “comeback route” all day!!! Make this a Grand Opening extravaganza you’ll quickly forget!!!!)
There is one man, who calls himself “Tank,” working at the COVID-Proof Drunk Tank beer stand. He wears a dad hat that says “Tank” and a jelly-donut-stained tank top marked with a “CPDT” logo in sloppy chicken scratch. CCam — who does not drink — previously told his agent HZ (who signed a representation agreement with CCam without warning CCam that it could void his eligibility to continue playing football collegiately) that HZ was explicitly not permitted to make deals on CCam’s behalf with any business involved in the sale of alcohol. When CCam learned months ago that HZ was nonetheless negotiating a sponsorship with COVID-Proof Drunk Tank, CCam fired HZ. After that, HZ struck a deal with COVID- Proof Drunk Tank anyway, authorizing Tank to include CCam on his marketing signage. (COVID-Proof Drunk Tank did not secure permission independently from CCam to use his name or image on its signs.) As RR, SA, EL, CMur, and JSm approach the two beverage stands, a man named 7&7 stumbles up to the Flake/Fly Fishing AF beverage stand and asks for a Tequila Sunrise. The bartender, EM, tells 7&7 that he doesn’t have any orange juice. 7&7 looks up at the menu and mumbles, “OK, let’s see, what can I get to help me keep up this buzz . . . ” EM — who has already sold 7&7 three Bailey’s coffees throughout the morning and knows he’s been buying drinks at COVID-Proof Drunk Tank as well — hears him and says: “Sir, you’ve been drinking since 8:00 this morning. No more.” A Flake security guard/lifeguard named TS escorts 7&7 about 10 feet away. 7&7 then walks over to COVID-Proof Drunk Tank and asks for a beer.
Tank says: “Sir, you’ve been drinking since 8:00 this morning. How about two spiked juice boxes for the price of one?” 7&7 buys four spiked juice boxes for the price of two and shotguns a couple while still at the stand. Then, as he turns to walk away, his feet get tangled together and he starts to fall right in SA’s path. She trips over 7&7 and lands hard on the pavement and, it appears, she loses consciousness. TS — even though he’s certified as a lifeguard in CPR and first aid — sees all of this but turns back to watch an SMU football hype video playing on a loop on a TV screen inside the Flake/Fly Fishing AF beverage stand. A throng of tailgaters rushes to gather around SA, and someone asks if there’s a doctor in the crowd. “I’m not,” shout SB, EH, and ES in unison. “But I’m studying to be a pediatrician,” SB proclaims. “And I’m going to be an orthopedic Physician Assistant,” EH announces. “I’m going to be a better Physician Assistant than you!” ES insists. All three, once again in unison: “Please make some room.” (Even though she’s planning on medical school herself, RR is callously unaffected by her friend’s plight, busy instead dreaming about fresh herbs and the pasta aisle.) As EH and ES continue to argue about their P.A. potential, SB rushes up and kneels next to SA, who is not responsive. SB turns back to the crowd assembled around them. “Does anyone have any water?!” she yells. Nobody responds. She sees one bystander holding an open Ozarka bottle that looks to be nearly full. SB grabs the water bottle, props SA into a sitting position, and pours several ounces into her mouth. Only it isn’t water. The bystander, slurring his words, mumbles: “Dude, that was straight vodka.” SA snaps into consciousness and, perhaps shocked by the alcohol that she just guzzled, whips her head out of SB’s hands and slams her own body back against the pavement. SA suffers a broken left wrist and a gash on her face. SB goes to her car to grab a Velcro splint for SA (and she quickly writes up a bill for her services to give to SA). Still immersed in a gourmet-cheese-and-pumpkin-pita reverie, RR continues to walk away from SA and her other friends. As she does so, she notices a dark storm cloud gathering. But she doesn’t give it a second thought, since she’d seen a weather forecast that predicted a threat of severe thunderstorms in the area but not until the evening, by which time she imagines the festivities will be over and she’ll be back home.
