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AYou deserve neither food nor drink,@ replied the orator, Apervert, monster! hence! avoid my sight, never come near me again while you [email protected]

The orator’s wife happened to put her head out of the window at that instant, and seeing a man who doubted whether the Pope was Antichrist, she discharged upon his head a full pisspot of golden liquid.

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Good heavens, to what excess does religious zeal transport womankind!

A man who had never been christened, an honest Anabaptist named Jacques, was witness to the cruel and ignominious treatment showed to one of his brethren, to a rational featherless biped[footnoteRef:8]. Moved with pity he carried him to his house, caused him to be cleaned, gave him meat and drink, and made him a present of two florins, at the same time proposing to instruct him in his own trade of weaving Persian silks, which are fabricated in Holland. [8: Plato=s definition of a human being. ]

Candide, faced with so much goodness, threw himself at his feet, crying, ANow I am convinced that my Master Pangloss told me truth when he said that everything was for the best in this world; for I am infinitely more affected with your extraordinary generosity than with the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black cloak and his [email protected]

Chapter 4 – How Candide Found His Old Master Pangloss Again and What Happened to Him

The next day, as Candide was walking out, he met a beggar all covered with scabs, his eyes sunk in his head, the end of his nose eaten off, his mouth drawn on one side, his teeth as black as a cloak, snuffling and coughing most violently, and every time he attempted to spit out dropped a tooth.

Candide, divided between compassion and horror, but giving way to the former, bestowed on this shocking figure the two florins which the honest Anabaptist Jacques, had just before given to him. The specter looked at him very earnestly, shed tears and threw his arms about his neck. Candide started back aghast.

[email protected] said the one wretch to the other, Adon’t you know dear [email protected]

AWhat do I hear? Is it you, my dear master! you I behold in this piteous plight? What dreadful misfortune has befallen you? What has made you leave the most magnificent and delightful of all castles?

What has become of Miss Cunégonde, the mirror of young ladies, and Nature’s [email protected]

AI am [email protected] said Pangloss, upon which Candide instantly led him to the Anabaptist’s stable, and procured him something to eat. As soon as Pangloss tasted a morsel, Candide began to repeat his inquiries concerning Cunégonde.

ADead,@ replied the other.

[email protected] cried Candide, and immediately fainted; his friend restored him by the help of a little bad vinegar, which he found by chance in the stable.

Candide opened his eyes, and again repeated: ADead! is Cunégonde dead? Ah, where is the best of worlds now? But of what illness did she die? Was it of grief on seeing her father kick me out of his magnificent [email protected]

ANo,@ replied Pangloss, Aher body was ripped open by the Bulgarian soldiers, after they had raped her as many times as a girl could survive; they knocked out the brains of the Baron, her father, for attempting to defend her; My Lady, her mother, was cut in pieces; my poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister[footnoteRef:9]; and as for the castle, they have not left one stone upon another; they have destroyed all the ducks, and sheep, the barns, and the trees; but we have had our satisfaction, for the Abares have done the very same thing in a neighboring barony, which belonged to a Bulgarian [email protected] [9: Voltaire apparently accepted the baseless calumny about Bulgarians common in his day, that they practiced [email protected] word deriving ultimately from the word Bulgar. ]

At hearing this, Candide fainted away a second time, but, not withstanding, having come to himself again, he said all that it became him to say; he inquired into the cause and effect, as well as into the sufficient reason that had reduced Pangloss to so miserable a condition.

AAlas,@ replied the tutor, Ait was love; love, the comfort of the human species; love, the preserver of the universe; the soul of all sensible beings; love! tender [email protected]

AAlas,@ cried Candide, AI have had some knowledge of love myself, this sovereign of hearts, this soul of souls. It never caused any more effect on me than one kiss and twenty kicks on the backside. How could this beautiful cause produce in you so hideous an [email protected] Pangloss made answer in these terms:

AO my dear Candide, you must remember Daisy, that pretty wench, who waited on our noble Baroness; in her arms I tasted the pleasures of Paradise, which produced these Hellish torments with which you see me devoured. She was infected with an ailment, and perhaps has since died of it; she received this present of a learned Franciscan, who troubled to derive its source and learned that he was indebted for it to an old countess, who had it of a captain of horse, who had it of a marquise, who had it of a page, the page had it of a Jesuit, who, during his novitiate, had it in a direct line from one of the fellow adventurers of

Christopher Columbus; for my part I shall give it to nobody, I am a dying [email protected]

AO sage Pangloss,@ cried Candide, Awhat a strange genealogy is this! Is not the devil the root of [email protected]

ANot at all,@ replied the great man, Ait was a thing unavoidable, a necessary ingredient in the best of worlds; for if Columbus, on an island in America, had not caught this disease, which contaminates the source of generation, frequently impedes propagation itself, and is evidently opposed to the great end of nature, we should have had neither chocolate nor cochineal dyes. We may observe that, even to the present time, in this continent of ours, this malady, like our religious controversies, is peculiar to ourselves, and that the Turks, the Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, the Siamese, and the Japanese are entirely unacquainted with it; but there is a sufficient reason for them to know it in a few centuries. In the meantime, it is making prodigious havoc among us, especially in those armies composed of well disciplined hirelings who determine the fate of nations; for we may safely affirm, that, when an army of thirty thousand men engages another equal in size, there are about twenty thousand infected with syphilis on each [email protected]

AVery surprising, indeed,@ said Candide, Abut you must get [email protected]

ALord help me, how can [email protected] said Pangloss. AMy dear friend, I have not a penny in the world; and you cannot be bled or get an enema without [email protected]

This last speech had its effect on Candide; he flew to the charitable Anabaptist, Jacques; he flung himself at his feet, and gave him so striking a picture of the miserable condition of his friend that the good man without any further hesitation agreed to take Dr. Pangloss into his house, and to pay for his cure. The cure was effected with only the loss of one eye and an ear. As Pangloss wrote a good hand and understood accounts tolerably well, the Anabaptist made him his bookkeeper. At the expiration of two months, being obliged by some mercantile affairs to go to Lisbon he took the two philosophers with him in the same ship; Pangloss, during the course of the voyage, explained to him how everything was so constituted that it could not be better. Jacques did not quite agree with him on this point.

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