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Revise the draft you have written, utilizing the feedback from your peer review. Complete your revision in conjunction with the guidelines for the first draft assignment given in Topic 2.

This assignment uses a rubric. Please review the rubric prior to beginning the assignment to become familiar with expectations for successful completion.

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Prepare this assignment according to the guidelines found in the APA Style Guide


Attention Deficit/Hypertension Disorder Comment by Jennifer Pellish: You have included a title; however, create a title that will interest the reader. Consider the title as the first component of the hook. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: I see you have referenced the APA 7th Edition format template, but you have a few errors in the formatting. Use the following link to access the template: https://www.gcumedia.com/lms-resources/student-success-center/v3.1/#/tools/writing-center/12/31/108 The title page provides basic information about the paper. The title page is centered and double-spaced, including the blank lines left at the top before the title. Place the title three lines down from the top of the page. The title is bold and in title case. Leave one blank line below the title. Next list the name of each author. For two authors separate with “and.” For more than two, separate with commas and add “and” before the last author. On the next line, list the college (such as College of Theology) and Grand Canyon University, separated by a comma. Do not abbreviate. On the next line, list the course number and name, for example: ENG 105: English Composition 1 On the next line, list the instructor’s name. On the next line, list the assignment due date. The heading should look like this:  Student A. Sample College Name, Grand Canyon University Course Number: Course Title Instructor’s Name Assignment Due Date Please click on the following link to view an instructional video about the title page: https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cY6uqksvDF The title page has some spacing errors.

Ashley Murphy

ENG 105

5/6/2021 Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Present the date as May 6, 2021, rather than using numerals.


I appreciate your work on the rough draft!

This assignment required you to write a 750-1,000-word analysis of the CDC website on ADHD. You were to include a minimum of two scholarly sources and write a cohesive essay that included an introduction, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

In addition, you were to analyze the rhetorical tools (ethos, pathos, and logos), evaluate the site’s effectiveness, and provide relevant, substantive support.

Please carefully consider the comments I have made and use the written and video feedback (see link below) to inform your revision. If I were to score the rubric based on the first draft, you would receive the following scores:

· Analysis of the Appeals and Rhetorical Situation (40%): 1 Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Unsatisfactory The analysis reflects no attention to the expectations of the genre and intended audience and no understanding of rhetorical analysis techniques including summarizing, analyzing the effectiveness of the rhetorical tools, and analyzing the rhetorical situation. Revision is necessary.

· Use of Evidence as Support (20%): 1 Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Unsatisfactory Please revise the analysis of the rhetorical tools to demonstrate a clearer understanding of them. The focus of the paper should be the use of ethos, pathos, and logos in the website instead of ADHD. Minimal or no evidence is included in the essay. Evidence requirements were not met.

· Organization (10%): 2 Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Less than satisfactory I can tell you have worked hard on your essay; however, there is no apparent organization. The organization of the essay hinders the presentation of the content. Many errors in organization occur including errors regarding the introduction and thesis, topic sentences, and a conclusion. Here are some suggestions for improvement: Engage the reader in the introduction. How can you grab the reader’s attention? Make sure the thesis is the last sentence of the introduction and includes all the necessary components. Create stronger topic sentences for each body paragraph. The topic sentences provide a road map for your reader. Consider each one a mini-thesis focusing on one subtopic from the thesis. Use transitional words to move the reader smoothly through the essay. For example: Firstly, the CDC effectively appeals to the reader through the use of logos. Be sure you are following the structure of a 5-paragraph essay. Make your conclusion more than just a summary. Leave a stronger impact on the reader.

· GCU Format and APA Citations (10%): 2 Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Less than satisfactory Few GCU format requirements are met. The essay lacks THREE of the following (I have highlighted the missing/problematic elements): Correct APA 7th Edition title page Consistency in double-spacing the document Consistency in using Times New Roman font Consistency in using size 12 font One-inch margins Use left alignment Correct 0.5” indentations (of both paragraphs and hanging indent for references) Header: page numbers only Correctly formatted in-text citations Correctly formatted references and/or reference page Correct number of required sources Consistency between the in-text citations and the references page Placing the References on a separate page Please make revisions prior to submitting the final draft.

· Language Use and Style (10%): 3 Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Satisfactory Language use and style are important component in creating a strong and well-written rhetorical analysis. Please review the following suggestions and make necessary changes in your revision: Create an appropriate mood by use of voice and tone Reduce the number of to be verbs, and include more active verbs Eliminate slang and/or jargon Eliminate first and second person pronouns Avoid using contractions Use a variety of sentence structures Write concisely Avoid asking questions

· Grammar and Mechanics (10%): 3 Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Satisfactory You have demonstrated a reasonable level of control in grammar and mechanics. I found a few errors in my evaluation of the following (Please look for highlighted words/phrases and/or blue underlining– although not all errors have been identified as such): Use of apostrophes Use of 1st and 2nd person pronouns Capitalization Use of commas Parallelism Pronoun agreement Use of quotations Use of semicolons Sentence structure (fragments and/or run-ons) Spelling Subject/verb agreement Verb tense Please make revisions prior to submitting the final draft. I recommend looking at the LopesWrite report for grammatical errors and/or using an online source such as www.grammarly.com

This scoring does not guarantee you will receive the same score on the final draft . Rather, this simply reflects the assessment of the first draft. The good news is you still have the opportunity to revise! If you have additional questions, please contact me in the Private Forum.

All the best,


Weight Loss Success Story -

Click this link to view video feedback: https://www.loom.com/share/26fa4ad3e40348f3912ca8038cb43f99

Title is missing Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Be sure to place the boldfaced title above the first paragraph also.

ADHD is an indication of a condition that one should be responsive to a normal state that one should pay attention to actions applied. He or she may even be agitated and busy all of the time. ADHD isn’t just a problem for kids. Some symptoms of ADHD are evident when one is young. Such conditions are also seen when the person is growing even to the level of adulthood. When a child is young, the condition of hyperactivity is evident as a child is growing. Condition of hyperactivity is evident as the child is growing until a time when the person is a fully developed individual in their maturity stage. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Only use an acronym after the initial reference. For example: Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). After the initial use, then the acronym ADHD could be used throughout the rest of the document. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: I appreciate your work on the introduction. However, some revision is required. Be sure you have a strong hook, a thorough introduction and summary of the CDC website (not ADHD), and a well-constructed thesis statement. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: In revising, please keep in mind the following: the thesis should be the last sentence of the introduction, it should make a claim about the CDC website and its effectiveness in communication, and it should include the three subtopics of ethos, pathos, and logos.

The first tool is to understand the mechanisms and results of public health and legal science. Available data should have analysis and collection through use of ADHD. When this data is available, it should be coinciding with requirements of objectives of ADHD requirements. The data collection should be coinciding to directors of information (Chen et al., 2017). For example, it should flow with respect to decision makers and policies put in place. Further, the information should support the required care of information. Questioning about policies for an individuals should take place with respect with policies of ADHD. The main reason is that individual information need to be effective in bringing relevance. Because of their different fields of knowledge, scientists and lawyers can need to reconsider the complexity and phrasing of study questions. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Provide a road map for your reader with each topic sentence. The topic sentence should read like a mini thesis, and should include a transitional word or phrase, refer to the claim, and focus on one specific subtopic. For example, “First of all, the website effectively appeals to the audience through its use of ethos.” Please review the remaining topic sentences and revise if necessary. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: I see you have correctly formatted this first in-text citation! Be sure the remaining citations are also correct, and each paragraph contains research-based, cited information. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Each body paragraph should have in-text citations for the CDC, since we should be evaluating this website and referencing information from it.

Second, a tool for assessing the impact of ADHD necessitates given period, money, and preparation. Legal assessments can take months to prepare in federal agencies, requiring months of indicating that there is effectiveness of information and approval of ADHD will provide required information for data enhancement (Chen et al., 2017). In this case, there is a proper way of substituting to financial requirement. For example substitution can take place in form of working out the regulation of ADHD which is a health initiative. Healthcare department have to consider what is effective and issue informative strategies applied in place. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Please revise this topic sentence based on the comment posted for the first one.

Thirdly, epidemiology should be legalized through data access system. Gaining data in this case can only be attained through researching of information. Since it is challenging to have data access, it is possible for an individual to have difficult moments of giving variations of data. Intervention of associational analysis can have an impact to intervening variables. For example, health data evaluation for the associational analysis (Chen et al., 2017). ADHD dataset information can be enhanced through legal associational analysis. The privacy criteria of data can have an impact to policies put in place concerning ADHD. Privacy criteria and report of variability ensures structure of ADHD is effective. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: Please revise this topic sentence based on the comment posted for the first one.

The site’s effectiveness demonstrates how ADHD affects a child’s ability to pay attention and sit still at school, as well as his or her relationships with family and other children. Children with ADHD often engage in activities that are detrimental to others. Checking on behaviors of individuals will help in clarifying on effective way of ensuring that there is a good flow of diagnosis. Fast diagnosis ensures an effective strategies such as ensuring a good appetite and a good sleep systems (Suhaimin, & Mohamed, 2017). A prescription from doctors and usage of dose is a proper way in which medical practitioners will apply for an effective personnel developments. ADHD should ensure that there is effective medical provisions for a person. For example, a child should ensure that they receive a good medical attention otherwise it may not be easy to have an effective medical attention.

An appreciation of children in ADHD ensures that there is a proper handling of children. Health plans are effective with ADHD have a specified drugs with care. Precautions for drugs are effective when given effectively. A taste of physician plan ensures a grant of coverage of a drug. ADHD dataset information can be enhanced through legal associational analysis. The privacy criteria of data can have an impact to policies put in place concerning ADHD. The information should support the required care of information (Suhaimin, & Mohamed, 2017). Questioning about policies for an individuals should take place with respect with policies of ADHD. The main reason is that individual information need to be effective in bringing relevance.

Finally, the study adds to our understanding of how many school-aged children suffer from ADHD, how the disorder progresses over time, what other conditions and threats children may face, and the therapies they may receive. Data was gathered to learn more about ADHD in various demographic groups, care efficiency and trends, and factors that influence children’s short- and long-term outcomes. Comment by Jennifer Pellish: 769 words – The paper is within the word count range. Well done! I appreciate your work on constructing an essay, but it is focused on ADHD. The topic is how well the CDC communicates using rhetoric: ethos, pathos, and logos. Revise the body paragraphs to reflect a rhetorical analysis. Since this is a 5-paragraph essay, follow this structure: Introduction paragraph: hook, overview of the CDC webpage on ADHD, and thesis statement Body paragraph: focus on one rhetorical appeal (ethos, pathos, or logos) and demonstrate how the CDC presents it Body paragraph: focus on one rhetorical appeal (ethos, pathos, or logos) and demonstrate how the CDC presents it Body paragraph: focus on one rhetorical appeal (ethos, pathos, or logos) and demonstrate how the CDC presents it Conclusion paragraph: restate the thesis, summarize main points, and end with an impactful statement. Be sure to utilize the resources provided in my “Get READY!” post in the DQ forum. There is a PowerPoint presentation as well as a sample essay to assist you in this assignment.

References Comment by Jennifer Pellish: The references page is included; however, please review and revise it to correct some errors in formatting. Use this link for access to the Writing Center/Research Guides: https://libguides.gcu.edu/APA/ReferenceExamples Use the following checklist to find and correct the errors: Place the references on a separate page Use the word References, not Resources, Works Cited, or Sources Omit the colon after the word References Center the word References at the top of the page Boldface the word References Omit the extra space after the word References and before the first entry Use double spacing Use a consistent 1” margin on the references page Use a 0.5” hanging indent Revise the content/format for the reference citations Consistently present the hyperlink in each entry: either all active hyperlinks, or all inactive hyperlinks in each URL Omit the extra space between each entry Use Times New Roman font In the title of an article, only capitalize the first word, the first word after a colon, proper nouns and/or adjectives, and acronyms Websites with a .com domain are not considered scholarly and should be avoided Use correct capitalization in names and/or journal titles Dictionaries are not scholarly sources (you may use them, but do not consider them as one of your scholarly sources) The essay lacks the appropriate number of scholarly sources, which is at least two Alphabetize the entries without consideration to articles such as a, an, and the Italicize journal titles and volume numbers Only use the author’s last name and first/middle initial Ensure consistency/coordination with the in-text citations The CDC should appear in both the in-text citations and the references page, since it is the focus of the essay Example of website entry: Ministry of Health. (2014). Ebola: Information for the public. http://www.health.govt.nz/your-health/conditions-and-treatments/diseases-and-illnesses/ebolainformation-public Reference citations for GCU eBook in individual sections/chapters: DeCosta, M. (2015). Becoming a college writer. In Grand Canyon University (Ed.) Writing With Purpose. Available from http://gcumedia.com/digital-resources/grand-canyon-university/2015/writing-with-purpose_ebook_1e.php For additional assistance, visit the GCU Writing Center at https://libguides.gcu.edu/CitingSources/ Multiple pages from the same site: When accessing several different webpages from the same website, please use the correct format. Take a moment to view the following video, which will address how to construct both the reference entry and the in-text citation: https://screencast-o-matic.com/watch/cYhuV0prRL

Chen, Y. R., Su, Y. J., Piriou, Y., & Wang, S. C. (2017). Effects of polyphenolic extract from pine bark on the improvement of attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder in children and adolescent. Int. J. Clin. Nutr. Diet, 3, 116-119.


Suhaimin, S. H., & Mohamed, M. (2017). Intervention for Children with Specific Learning Disabilities (SpLD) in Mathematics Disorders: A Framework. Sains Humanika, 9(3-2).

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